one small step...

asher is only a few days shy of 1 year old.  and is only a few days shy of walking full throttle on his own. 

we have been coercing him in to walking for weeks, and still he takes each tiny step before falling with much fear and trepidation.

his flat fat feet will walk all day as long as he has my fingers wrapped tightly inside his chubby sausage fingers.  the second i let go... he will stand still, he will stay where he is, content as can be.  but taking that step... no way.  you can see him thinking about it, his leg will lift a little, his knees wobble as he desires to come closer to mommy.  but he quickly decides to stay where he is.  fear is the enemy now. 

yesterday i heard myself telling matthew, "if only he would take that first step, he would realize it's not so bad.  it's nothing to be scared over..."  and i stopped.  my sentence hung in my throat, stuck behind the reality of its words.  was i talking about asher, or myself.  sure i can walk.  i do it every day.  thousands of steps.  but it isn't the physical act of walking i was thinking of anymore. 

i am just she same... as my tiny 1 year old baby boy.  i am afraid to take that step.  fear and trepidation consume me.  as long as someone is with me, as long as i have the security.  the security of my husband, the familiar, the safe, the known.  taking that step into the unknown... is scary.  taking that first step is so so hard.  but asher and me, we are the same. 

we both have to shake that fear to take that step. 

only if he takes that step, will he know the pleasure and joy there is in walking.  oh the places he can go, the things he can see, the opportunities he will have... but only if he takes that step.  sure he will fall.  sure it will hurt.  but he will get up again.  it may take a long while for the fear to cease.  but it will.  and when it does, he will be a whole new him.  not a tiny baby boy anymore.  a great big walking boy with the whole world in front of him.  running, and soccer, and baseball, and riding bikes.  stairs and climbing and hide and go seek.  but only if he takes that first step. 

only if i take that step, will i see what God has in store for me.  only if i take that step, will i know what i can accomplish, will i be able to see my goals set out in front of me.  i have to ignore the voices of doubt and deceit.  i have to be willing to accept the fact that this may hurt, and i may fail.  i have to be willing to move despite the fear.  take that step in the face of doubt.  i know, if i don't take that step, i will just stay stuck where i am today.  stuck in the sticky, stinky, ugly, mud i am standing in today.  so... i will take that first step. 

because i know, the best thing for both asher and me... is to keep moving.  is to take the first tiny step.

so asher and i will hold onto each other, and find strength and courage in each other, to take that first step... him to literally take the FIRST STEP.  and me, to take that college class, even if i am the oldest one in the class, even if it bores me to tears, and even if it is so hard it makes me feel like an inadequate lump... because i know both asher and i's lives will be better, if only we take that first tiny step.