asher max, soon to be big brother, cheesing for the camera...
most people will think of this baby as baby number 2, and it will be only the second baby i will have the pleasure and gift of holding in my arms... but to me this baby will always be baby number 3.
baby 1 was a surprise, a gift, a miracle, a dream that i never knew would come true. and he was real. i was scared, very scared. scared of the unknown and the changes to come... but i felt peace. i felt joy. and when i first saw his face, and held him in my arms, i felt love like i never knew i was capable of feeling. and i have continued to feel that love for the last 2 years, everytime i see his face, and every moment when i do not. he made me want to be the best version of myself. he made me into who i was always meant to be.
baby 2 was a surprise, and i felt fear, and anxiety before i felt peace. baby 2 would come when asher was only 14 months old... i wondered what in the world we were thinking... but after a couple days, and catching my worries on his shoulder, my husband looked at me and said, "you don't get to be sad about this anymore." and i stopped feeling sad, and starting feeling joy. i started planning and dreaming and loving. 10 weeks later, i cried when no heartbeat was found. 10 weeks later, matthew held me every night as i cried, and he continued to hold me as i cried for months and months to come. i never got to hold my baby, i never got to see their face, but i felt that sweet indescribable love. i felt love, and sorrow, and pain, and hope. i have hope that someday i will see my baby's face, and know that i will feel that sorrow and pain no more.
i thought i would never have the strength to try again. i thought my asher max was the miracle of a lifetime. but then, at just the wrong time, timing only God could create... there were two pink lines. i entered with fear and trepidation, every twinge of pain, every lack of symptom, every single little thing brought fear and trembling and freaking out. i couldn't lose another baby, i dared to imagine myself if i did. i was cautiously excited, i was cautiously anticipating the best, still fearing the worst. matthew went with me to my first appointment, because i knew i couldn't take it if there was no heartbeat again... and then there was a heartbeat. a tiny grain of rice baby. and i felt a little easier but the fear was still not gone. 4 weeks later, i watched that ultrasound monitor as tears fell down my face... there was my baby, strong, wiggling, a perfect little bean. life. baby number 3.
so, now we can finally rejoice, this new life growing inside of me. we can cheer and whoop and cry for joy. we can feel peace and anticipation along with the scary unknown. and we will pray that baby number 3 continues to grow strong and true. and we will pray, each and every night, that someday soon i will hold this baby in my arms, whispering prayers in their ear to hear. we will pray for the person God wants them to be, that we will not hinder their way. and we will thank God for allowing us the gift of being parents once again.
and every year when our christmas cards go out, people will look at our beautiful family and think how blessed this family of 4 must be... and we will be, because we are. but when i seal those envelopes and slip them in the mail, i will think how beautiful we are, this family of 5, and how truly blessed we are.