8 months later...

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."
Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

asher max is 8 months old.  i have been a mother for 8 months. 

i feel like i have been a mother my entire life.

nothing has ever felt so natural, and so foreign at the same time. 

nothing has ever been so easy, and yet so hard. 


when you are mother, there is not a moment that passes in which you are not a mother.  your every thought, your every move, your every feeling, is encompassed by who you are, a mother.

i feel as if i have been preparing for motherhood my life... and yet, some days i feel completely lost.

when i feel lost, i do what i know.  i love.  i scoop up that little boy and try to hold his wiggly body close to mine.  i whisper into his ear.  i kiss his chubby cheeks.  i hug and snuggle and squeeze.

i know that no matter how lost i am, i am not alone.  i know that if i have no idea what i am doing, that the most important thing to do for my son, is to love him.  i know that this one thing i can do without fail.  i can love.  i find loving him easy.  i can love greatly, because i was greatly loved.


"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new."
Rajneesh


my life has changed in 8 months, a lifetime worth of change.

little things and big things.

my whole body, heart, mind, and soul.

a lifetime worth of change, i would not exchange for anything.  i am living my dream.  i am loving, and loved, like i had alwyas dreamed.

with half a brian, unpainted toes, and wearing a belt for the first time since i was pregnant...

on this day... i can feel only blessed.

The Mother by Lucy Maud Montgomery


Here I lean over you, small son, sleeping
Warm in my arms,
And I con to my heart all your dew-fresh charms,
As you lie close, close in my hungry hold . . .
Your hair like a miser's dream of gold,
And the white rose of your face far fairer,
Finer, and rarer
Than all the flowers in the young year's keeping;
Over lips half parted your low breath creeping
Is sweeter than violets in April grasses;
Though your eyes are fast shut I can see their blue,
Splendid and soft as starshine in heaven,
With all the joyance and wisdom given
From the many souls who have stanchly striven
Through the dead years to be strong and true.


Those fine little feet in my worn hands holden . . .
Where will they tread ?
Valleys of shadow or heights dawn-red?
And those silken fingers, O, wee, white son,
What valorous deeds shall by them be done
In the future that yet so distant is seeming
To my fond dreaming?
What words all so musical and golden
With starry truth and poesy olden


Shall those lips speak in the years on-coming?
O, child of mine, with waxen brow,
Surely your words of that dim to-morrow
Rapture and power and grace must borrow
From the poignant love and holy sorrow
Of the heart that shrines and cradles you now!


Some bitter day you will love another,
To her will bear
Love-gifts and woo her . . . then must I share
You and your tenderness! Now you are mine
From your feet to your hair so golden and fine,
And your crumpled finger-tips . . . mine completely,
Wholly and sweetly;
Mine with kisses deep to smother,
No one so near to you now as your mother!
Others may hear your words of beauty,
But your precious silence is mine alone;
Here in my arms I have enrolled you,
Away from the grasping world I fold you,
Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone!