so are the days of our lives...

i am finding comfort in mindless things.  watching soap operas and kathie lee and hoda.  i am finding solace in forgetting my chores, and just being. 

because the days of my life are getting complicated. 

i covet the innocent days of youth and running on the playground; worrying only about if my shoes will stay on as i swing higher and higher.  i covet days of graham crackers and milk snacks, and feeding my goldfish.   i covet days of not having a care of the world.

those days are gone.  my life seems a tangled mess of emotions and responsibilities and worries.

my grandpa is sick.  and this weekend my mom and dad and brother and the buddy and i will be loading a car and driving home to broomfield so we can be with him.  i can't wait to kiss his bald head, and hold his hand and tell him i love him.  i can't wait to introduce my asher to my grandpa, his great grandpa.  and i know, come sunday, i will not want to leave; understanding that this will most likely be the last time i see my grandpa this side of heaven.  and i know that eight hour drive back home to my husband will be the longest 8 hours of my life.  and the weeks or months that may follow will drag by at a snails pace, or fly by like a blink of an eye.

in 2 weeks my sweet daddy will drive to the hospital, just to put his heart and life in the hands of someone else.  his heart has been beating improperly for over a month, and they knew they needed to fix it as soon as possible.  some people can live permanently with this condition, my dad can not.  after just 3 weeks of it the doctors could see the negative effect it already had on his heart.  in researching for this surgery, they found he has a leaking valve in his heart, changing how they needed to treat this problem.  he will have open heart surgery to do a valve repair, and the first part of a heart ablation to solve the a-fib.  at a later date, he will have the second part of his ablation.  in order to live the long life that he is supposed to live, this surgery is necessary.  in order for him to be here and healthy for us, and for our asher, and for all of the people whom he touches everyday; he has to put his heart in the hands of someone else.  this is scary.  this is scary for him, and it is scary for us.

i covet those days of youth, when things would go wrong and you wouldn't even know it.  i covet the innocence of a faith understanding that God can and will take care of it all; not yet encountering that sometimes God's outcome is not what you wanted or hoped or prayed for.  i covet the innocence of days and years past.

still i am trying to live in this moment, knowing these moments may be some of the most important i have lived.

still i am relying on God.  still i am loving family.  still i am living my life.  life continues, and so do i. 
 
my plate is full.  my heart is heavy.  i know my God is bigger!

Comments

  1. I'm there with ya girlfriend. My father had a massive stroke right before Christmas, and my hubby's aunt and uncle were killed by their son in January. We are raising teenagers, and money is extremely tight. I told my Hubs last night that I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but my plate is full:) I read something the other day that hit me right between the eyes. God allows us things to happen to us, so that we will NEED Him. It is to his glory to lay our worries on Him. I can't tell you how much that helped me. A God that wants my crap, wants to help carry it. I'm more than happy to hand it over. Letting go of it, weeeellll, that's a whole nuther ballgame there... Big Hugs and Much Love...

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  2. I'm praying for you and your beautiful family. Call me when you get back and we'll have lunch and just cry out all of those emotions! Love you. PS. I love Kathie Lee and Hoda!! And I am always jealous they are drinking so early in the morning!

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  4. Anonymous11:50

    Good thoughts for you and your family!

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  5. Anonymous21:02

    I read your blog everyday and I get excited for new posts. These recent ones make my heart feel heavy and I will be praying for you and your family. Life is tough sometimes, huh? God speed on your trip!

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  6. Karen F.10:10

    prayers being sent your way.

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  7. Anonymous19:07

    I have popped over from Quiet Life now and again. I wanted you to know that my sister has had open heart surgery twice to repair valves. She also has a host of other health complications but those surgeries have by far been the scariest to walk through with her. I will think of and pray for your family in the days and weeks to come - may you feel God's presence with you during this heavy time in your life.

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  8. Brooke Elizabeth20:06

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and all your family in this hard time Melinda. May God help you through this tough time.

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