for fear of appearing a fool...

for fear of appearing a fool, i keep a lot in.

there is a lot i don't tell people.  there is a lot i don't allow myself to dream.  there is a lot i don't allow myself to feel.

past hurts, past let downs, failed attempts, fear, doubt, uncertainty, they are all there to remind me to not try, to not dream, to not feel.  there is a voice inside my head whispering to me that it will never happen, that it won't feel like you think it will, that you will be let down, and hurt, and lost.  the voice whispers lies and untruth.  but it also whispers memories of those past experiences.  and with those memories of past experiences, past hurts, past failures, past disappointments, comes a reluctance to try again.  fear and doubt and uncertainty creep in.  so instead of allowing myself to dream, allowing myself to feel, i push it down.  it stays hidden in my heart, burning, burning til it hurts, but it stays hidden. 

there are things i feel that i don't share with anyone.  there are dreams i have my husband doesn't know.  because if he knew i had those dreams, he would know when i never accomplished them.  and i would be the fool.  i don't like to be the fool.  i don't like to be the failure.  so, in my 27 years on this earth, i have hidden a lot of who i am.  feelings, dreams, aspirations... i keep them buried deep inside so no one else knows. 

the other day, sitting in my car, in the church parking lot, pumping, a song began to play on my zune.  one i hadn't heard in a log time, and when i heard the lyrics, i lost it.  it's not an especially moving song, it isn't a lovely melody that brings tears to your eyes.  but the words cut me deep.

"Carve Your Heart Out Yourself"
Dashboard Confessional

Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

But I'm not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay, I will stay, I will stay

who am i?  what is it, why do i lie about the dreams i have?  why do i wish that i had never dreamt?

the fences i build around my dreams, the burying i do of my feelings, it doesn't keep the pain away.  It doesn't stop the hurt, and the disappointment... the trying times just come come in another form.  in my 27 years, i know this to be true.  you can not keep yourself from pain.  you can not keep yourself from hurt and disappointment.  but i still hold onto it. 

i don't talk about my dreams, what i want to do, how i feel... because i am so afraid of appearing a fool.  i am not one of these people who needs the approval of others, i pride myself on that.  i am who i am.  i like who i am.  i don't need anyone else to like it.  i am a strong and confident woman.  but i don't want to be a fool.  and i don't want to be a failure.  if i told my dreams, and they never came true... i would be a failure, a fool.  and i can not stand the idea of being a failure.  i can not stand the idea of looking like a fool.

this thinking is so backwards.  it is wrong.  just because i don't share the dreams doesn't mean they aren't there... so in fact, i still feel like a failure, like a fool... only no one else has to know. the fact that i am not sharing the dream, doesn't negate the existence of the dreams.  as a dreamer, not talking about it is denying myself of who i am.  i dream lofty dreams, i dream many dreams.  dreaming is a part of who i am, it is a part of my core.  it is who God created me to be.  and denying myself of that is destroying a little piece of myself.

it is okay to dream.  it is okay to believe.  it is okay to feel.  and i am trying to do that.  i am trying to remember my dreams, i am trying to remember the person i want to be, the person i was meant to be.  i am trying to feel again.  feel everything, even the pain and fear and doubt.  and it is not easy. 

but i need to.  i need to remember who i am.  i need to dream of who i want to be.  because in pushing it all down, i am losing myself.  i want to find myself again.  i want to dream.

i like to save good fortunes form fortune cookies.  i have three sitting next to me on my desk right now. 

"Don't wait for others to open the right doors for you."

"No need to worry! You will always have everything that you need."

"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become."

i am reading these everyday.  and maybe someday soon, i will share my dreams with you all.  i am trying to dream again.  because as i dream, i just may become.


  1. gina15:20

    You've only got one life. And you are so young - you've got the courage and strength to make your dreams a reality. And you've got that beautiful little boy...and so reaching for your dreams will help him someday reach for his :)

  2. It is easy to hold onto dreams so no one can judge us or convince us they are within our reach. But don't hold them too far in or they may get smothered. You are a beautiful woman of God who is able to make those dreams soar. And they are GOOD dreams, I just know it. People may say we are fools, but God put specific dreams in our hearts for a reason. He believes in you even when you aren't able to believe in yourself yet. Just know there are others out there who would never judge you...just support you and each dream you dare to believe in yourself. You'll be surprised how God uses you for his unique purposes! Be encouraged dear bloggie friend!

  3. i love this post because it's honest and raw and people don't like to be exposed like that. we want people to think we have it all together, but no one does. there's more to us. and the dreams we have are what drives us to always want to be better.

    whether or not you choose to share them, the fact that you have those dreams shows the kind of person you are: and that person is pretty fantastic.

    p.s. it's not like blowing out your birthday candles where if you say it outloud it won't come true. those are wishes. dreams should be goals.

  4. Anonymous11:08

    Melinda Sue, I encourage you to act on your dreams, carve out time for them, nurture them. I was just with an author last month who now has books published for readers all over the world. She wrote her first book and it was turned down, but she kept writing and sending in books anyway for 15 years. Every year she went to eat at her mother's house for Thanksgiving with her family and her uncle would say, "Got that book published yet?" and he would laugh. She did not give up and her uncle is not laughing now. That story happens to so many people in some way. The great children's book author Madeleine L'Engle said once that she sent her Newbery Award winning book A Wrinkle in Time to every publisher she could for 10 years and finally when she got it published it won the most prestigious award given for writing in the children's book world. You can make your dreams come true whatever they are. God wants that for you and I am praying for you, too! jep


Post a Comment

Popular Posts