6 weeks... aka part four...
6 weeks ago today asher max came into this world.
6 weeks ago today i became a mom for the very first time.
6 weeks ago today my life changed forever.
today i look at this little buddy sleeping next to me, and i sit in amazement. it feels as if he has always been a part of me. like his heart and mine are one. i can't remember what life felt like before he was here. i can't remember the thoughts in my head, the actions i took, the minute details i thought were important. i can't remember what it is like to not be a mom. it is indescribable. unexplainable. words can not begin to express. when i look at his face, his big round eyes, perfect baby lips, and ever plumping cheeks, i see life. i see my life. i see my purpose, i see my meaning, i see love and life abundant. i see me. i see matthew. i see the face of God. i see love and hope and determination and faith. i see my past, my present, and my future. everything i was, everything i am, everything i will be. like my whole life has been preparing me for this. every experience, every feeling, every pain, every triumph, brought me to this place. and now he is here, and my life is only about him. what i want, my desires, my hopes, don't matter anymore. my every hope and dream now revolve around this tiny precious little boy. nothing else matters. and my future, is about him. it is about giving him the life he deserves. it is about his dreams and his desires. i love him so much, he is my life.
and 6 weeks ago, he came into my life.
i laid on a surgical table as the doctors and nurses readied for the surgery. the anesthesiologist was giving me a play by play of what he was doing to me. i took deep breaths, whispering prayers into the stale air, turning my head to the door that matthew would be walking into at any moment. i couldn't wait for him to be by my side. i needed to hear his voice and see his face. before i knew it the curtain was drawn and they were ushering in matthew to be by my side. his eyes were red and swollen, i wondered if he was just tired, or if he had been crying in the few minutes we were apart. i didn't take my eyes off of matthew. the dr kept asking me if i was getting nauseous. the answer was always no. i don't know why he kept asking, but he did. matthew must have noticed the pulling and thrashing of my body, he asked me if i could feel anything. "i can't really feel anything, it just feels like i am in a wave pool." the anesthesiologist giggled "i guess that is probably what it feels like." matthew just smiled at me. and then there it was... the doctors and nurses began oohing and aahhing... "look at him" "look at his eyes" "oh my..." we heard them suctioning his nose and mouth, and then the muffled tiny cry. "he's here." i whispered, starring hard into matthew's eyes as tears began filling my eyes. the sound of his cry was all it took. he was here. i was a mom. matthew was a dad. we were parents. i was overwhelmed with joy. matthew's hand swept the hair out of my face, as a sweet nurse brought him around the curtain. and there he was. he wasn't crying. he wasn't thrashing about. he was held in front of us, calm as could be. his huge eyes just stared at us. he looked at us like he could see us, like he knew us. and we stared back in amazement. i heard matthew's voice with quiet assurance above the muffled noises of surgery, "hi asher." and i looked at my husband. i watched him as tears flooded his eyes but didn't escape to his cheeks. and i cried even more. this man. this man was the love of my life, and now he was the father of this boy. in the same breathe that i became a mom, he became a dad... and in that moment i know he was overwhelmed with the same love and joy that i was. as they carried asher away to clean him and check him, matthew's eyes darted from me to him and back again. asher was all the way across the room form me, and matthew's heart was torn between the two loves of his life. i told him to go to asher, that he needed one of us with him. and i watched as he wondered at his son. my eyes stayed glued to the two of them, as they stapled and glued me back up. apart from the gaping hole in my guts, i was the happiest girl in the world. the love i felt for my husband and my son in that moment, was enough to carry me through the rest of life. i was complete. we were now a family of three.
6 weeks later... i feel the same. joy. love. they overwhelm me. i am blessed beyond words. i am tired. really tired. and a little smelly. my house is nowhere near as clean and orderly as i like it. we are broke. getting out of the house and into the real world is still a challenge. asher poops and pukes and pees. he poops and pukes and pees on me occasionally. matthew and i don't near as much time together, and no time alone. he cries and i don't know how to console him. sometimes i feel helpless, lost, ill prepared. but mostly i am filled with love and joy. uncertainty about the future, wondering at how we will make it all work. but peace in knowing that this is where i am supposed to be, that this family is sitting perfectly in His will.
6 weeks ago today, my life changed forever. when that little boy entered this world, i became a new person. and i never want to go back to who i was before. because this is who i was meant to be.