squat, breathe, yelp...
our prepared childbirth class is halfway over. 3 down 3 to go. every week we leave our house so we can get to class and get a back row seat. i am back row sitter. at everywhere but the movie theater. church, back row. class, back row. a meeting at work, back row. it's just where i belong. we claim our seats center back, and watch the cheesy slide show. i watch the other couples to see if they are reacting the same way we are to the strange things the instructor says, and the slightly disturbing animated pictures on the screen.
this week we went into the other room and practiced some positioning for labor. not positioning for birth, that would be extra weird, but the labor part. what positions might help with pain and make you comfortable, some things dad can do to make mom feel better. i was so awkward in this room full of people that i nearly had a panic attack. there is nothing natural about being on all 4s, with your husband standing behind you, applying pressure to your hip joints, in a room full of people who all are doing the same thing. matthew and i mostly cracked jokes and giggled. then all the laughing and positioning made me really really really have to pee... so i abandoned matthew mid positioning exercise. i almost escaped out the back door. i did not want to go back to that room with all these weird people i don't know groping each other and pretending to have a contraction. no sir... i wanted to run.
but then i looked in the mirror. and i saw the fear in my own eyes. and i knew i had to go back to that class. i am so scared to give birth. i am more scared to give birth than i am to be a mom. i am scared of the pain, and i am scared that matthew and i will fight. i am scared matthew will pass out. i am scared we won't make it to the hospital on time, i am scared we will make it to the hospital too early. i am scared i will have a mean nurse i won't get along with. i am scared i will have to have a c-section, i am scared the baby will be hurt. i am scared that i will throw up while in labor. i am scared that my mom and mother in law won't make it there to help me along. i am scared they will try to throw that slimy baby on me, and i will in turn freak out. i am scared of being out of control. i am scared of losing it all. i am scared. i am really really scared.
i need all the help i can get. i need to go to that class and look at the slides, and the creepy animated pictures. i need to practice my breathing and positioning, and i need to read as much as i can before the day comes. i need to know that women everywhere, for all of eternity have done what i am going to do. i need to know that God is in control and i am not. i need to know that we will be okay.
i bought 2 birthing books, and i am trying to educate myself. i am praying for peace and strength, and a quick and easy labor. i am walking, and drinking lots of water, and trying to eat right. i am making sure i am in the best possible place i can be in, to give birth to this little boy.
but i need your prayers, and i need your advice, and i need to know that this is not completely insane. is it normal to be this scared? i will be 32 weeks this week, and the time is coming soon, and i need to know you guys have done it, i need to know you felt the same, i need to know you are praying for me.
and i need to finish that last 3 weeks of this silly prepared childbirth class.