a human being, loss of control, change...
when people find out i am pregnant, i hear one thing over and over that keeps resonating with me... "oh congratulations. do you love it? i loved being pregnant."
i stare at them... and try to smile, with complete bewilderment. "uh... yah. its kind of weird." awkward giggle. and they stare at me with complete bewilderment.
and the truth is... i don't really love it, and i wonder if that is some kind of omen of what kind of mother i will be. and i wonder if that is normal, and i am kind of ashamed to admit it. but it is true. i kind of dislike it. and to this point, i have had an idyllic pregnancy. i have not been sick at all. i am 18 weeks, and i have gained 3 pounds. i haven't had really strange food cravings or food aversions. i haven't been outrageously emotional (ask my husband, he might say different), i was horrendously fatigued for the first 13-14 weeks, but that has passed. and the breasts were as terribly tender as they said they would be (it was my only clue to the fact that i may actually be pregnant). but all in all, it has been easy, seamless, perfect. and still i haven't really enjoyed this.
i have tired to figure out why. because this may not be normal. we thought i couldn't have children. when i dreamed about being pregnant; i thought i would be thrilled, excited, ecstatic, loving every minute. drinking in every moment, loving every single aspect, enjoying every day. and then it happened. and we were shocked, and surprised, and scared. and as most things usually are, it wasn't like my dreams.
it feels weird. and it is strange. i am growing a child. and in 22 short weeks i will give birth to a baby, out of my own body, and it will be a human being. a human being. that i grew, inside of me. and it is kind of freaky. a beautiful gift from God, but a kind of freaky one.
but maybe, i am the freaky one. maybe i am the only person in the world who finds this total loss of control of your own body, kind of strange and freaky. or maybe i am just a control freak, a control freak who has absolutely no control over what is happening to her own body, and i don't like loss of control. and it is making me not really like what is happening.
i am trying to enjoy it. trying to change my feelings, trying to let go of my control freak-freakiness. because pretty soon, i wont be pregnant anymore, and i will be caring for a human being that i birthed from my own birth canal (sorry) and i may wish that i had tried to enjoy pregnancy a little more, i may wish that i would have taken a deep breathe and breathed in the miracle of life that was happening in my own body.
but how does a control freak make herself lose control? how do i make myself love the process? i love this baby inside of me, so much already, but how do i make myself love being pregnant? or can i not? and is there something wrong with me?
i love this baby growing inside of me. i have never before wanted to take care of myself or take care of something else, so much. i have never worried so much about harming myself in any possible, unknown way. i don't ever remember feeling the way i feel about this baby. this unknown, foreign, fear inducing baby inside of me, brings me joy, happiness, love like i never knew. i just wish i could change that love into a love for the process, a love of being pregnant...
until i figure it out, i will continue to shrug and giggle awkwardly when you ask me if i love it; and when you tell me that you did, and you can do the same in return. please and thank you.
i stare at them... and try to smile, with complete bewilderment. "uh... yah. its kind of weird." awkward giggle. and they stare at me with complete bewilderment.
and the truth is... i don't really love it, and i wonder if that is some kind of omen of what kind of mother i will be. and i wonder if that is normal, and i am kind of ashamed to admit it. but it is true. i kind of dislike it. and to this point, i have had an idyllic pregnancy. i have not been sick at all. i am 18 weeks, and i have gained 3 pounds. i haven't had really strange food cravings or food aversions. i haven't been outrageously emotional (ask my husband, he might say different), i was horrendously fatigued for the first 13-14 weeks, but that has passed. and the breasts were as terribly tender as they said they would be (it was my only clue to the fact that i may actually be pregnant). but all in all, it has been easy, seamless, perfect. and still i haven't really enjoyed this.
i have tired to figure out why. because this may not be normal. we thought i couldn't have children. when i dreamed about being pregnant; i thought i would be thrilled, excited, ecstatic, loving every minute. drinking in every moment, loving every single aspect, enjoying every day. and then it happened. and we were shocked, and surprised, and scared. and as most things usually are, it wasn't like my dreams.
it feels weird. and it is strange. i am growing a child. and in 22 short weeks i will give birth to a baby, out of my own body, and it will be a human being. a human being. that i grew, inside of me. and it is kind of freaky. a beautiful gift from God, but a kind of freaky one.
but maybe, i am the freaky one. maybe i am the only person in the world who finds this total loss of control of your own body, kind of strange and freaky. or maybe i am just a control freak, a control freak who has absolutely no control over what is happening to her own body, and i don't like loss of control. and it is making me not really like what is happening.
i am trying to enjoy it. trying to change my feelings, trying to let go of my control freak-freakiness. because pretty soon, i wont be pregnant anymore, and i will be caring for a human being that i birthed from my own birth canal (sorry) and i may wish that i had tried to enjoy pregnancy a little more, i may wish that i would have taken a deep breathe and breathed in the miracle of life that was happening in my own body.
but how does a control freak make herself lose control? how do i make myself love the process? i love this baby inside of me, so much already, but how do i make myself love being pregnant? or can i not? and is there something wrong with me?
i love this baby growing inside of me. i have never before wanted to take care of myself or take care of something else, so much. i have never worried so much about harming myself in any possible, unknown way. i don't ever remember feeling the way i feel about this baby. this unknown, foreign, fear inducing baby inside of me, brings me joy, happiness, love like i never knew. i just wish i could change that love into a love for the process, a love of being pregnant...
until i figure it out, i will continue to shrug and giggle awkwardly when you ask me if i love it; and when you tell me that you did, and you can do the same in return. please and thank you.
i think a lot of people feel that way but don't want to say it. i feel a lot of what people say is what they feel they should say and isn't always genuine.
ReplyDeleteyou and i are always genuine in what we say. honestly, i hated being pregnant. who could seriously love getting fat and stretch marks and acne? but that doesn't mean you won't love your baby.
you will be a fantastic and mom and matt will be a fantastic dad and a lot of pregnancies are surprises but the children still come out to be loved and adored like any other child. and in just 22 weeks, you'll have your body back. no more lending it out. and then you'll feel back in control again.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT ! I've got a lot of persons around me (even my sister) who have hated being pregnant. A friend of mine told me, telling me her third pregnancy :"My God, I love babies, but I hate those 9 monthes before having him !"
ReplyDeleteDon't worry for that, really. I agree with Holly : it doens't mean you will be a bad mother !! That's totally different !
... And I will tell you something maybe worst ... the firts hours when my babyboy (the first one) came in the world, I looked at him with a very strange feeling. During the first hours, I haven't felt this wave of love that a lot of women describe ... It was very disturbing, because it wasn't what I was expecting for. Was I normal ??... I was terrified to be one of those mothers who don't LOVE their babies.
Fortunatly, after some hours, something has changed. And there's is something who have made my heart full. And I deeply love, ADORE my children.
And please ... There's no good or bad mother. We're doing what we can, with our possibilities in this new challenge !
Friendly.
I hated it until about 24 weeks. I loved it until 32 weeks. So, I say enjoy the parts that you can and endure the rest. It'll be over so fast and then you have a darling little pink person that adores you like no other!
ReplyDeleteYou've just discovered the first secret of motherhood...no one talks about motherhood! ;) I should say most people don't. I didn't enjoy being pregnant at all and I think I'm a good mom!! No worries...you will be fine. And try to find real people who will tell you the truth!
ReplyDeleteI had my tubes tied after my 4th pregnancy because the thought of being pregnant ever again terrified me so much. Mind you, I don't mean the thought of having another child. Just the pregnancy part. I regret it now and have for years, because I would've liked to have another baby, but pregnancy? Pass, thanks. And I love everything about being a mom, so I don't think the two are related. BLESS YOU girl you're going to be fine and I can't wait to see five hundred pics a day of your little one. :)
ReplyDeleteDenise