alone time...

my whole life i dreamed of being married. in love. as one.

when i was alone, i wished so much for a companion, a best friend, a lover. i wanted to find that person. that one person who was meant just for me.

and i found that person. i love him every day. i don't deserve him, and i don't know why he puts up with me. he is steady and sure. he is faithful and trusting. he is hardworking and honest. he is everything i am not.

he made my dream come true.

and now i simply wish for alone time.

i like being alone. and the thing about being married is, i am hardly ever alone. i dont cook alone, i dont watch tv alone, i dont sleep alone, heck i dont even pee alone. sometimes i wonder if he is omni present. he is there when i wake up, and when i get dressed, he is there when i leave for work, he is there when i come home, he is there while i make dinner, he is there while i blog, he is there when i watch tv, and he is there when i fall asleep. and i miss being alone.

when i am alone, i can soak in the tub and relax and reflect and dream in peace. when i am alone i can clean all i want, butt waving in the air, pants falling off so i can reach that dirty spot in the corner behind the couch. when i am alone i can write, i can get lost in my thoughts, i can eat tuna for every meal and not hear gagging and whining sounds. when i am alone, i can breathe. i can be me.

i always treasured my alone time. since i was a little girl. sometimes i would just have to escape people. escape the party, escape the rousing game of barbies, escape the noise and the light and the chaos.

i would quietly slip away to my room and close the door, and read or write or listen to music. i would play quietly by myself, or lay down and day dream. i just needed to be by myself. to set things right, to see clearly, to breathe.

i perfected the art of being alone as i grew. when my family would leave, i would lock the doors, light candles, turn on my music, grab a book and head for the tub. there i would soak until the water was chilly and my head was clear. i could then go into my room, put on my warmest and coziest sweats, wrap up in a blanket, and read and write and dream. and there i would stay until my family beckoned me out of my room and into normal life. normal life including interaction with normal people(if you can consider my family normal, it's up for debate).

some days i chose not to go to the mall with friends, a sleep over was not always on the top of my priority list. some days i just needed to be by myself. i preferred living alone to having a roommate(i didn't make a good roommate anyhow).

and somewhere in time, i thought to myself there was a possibility i would never find my one and only, i realized there was a chance i could be alone forever. and i really learned to appreciate having only alone time. i had began to warm to the idea of not just being alone, but being lonely. it wouldn't be so bad. i would have nothing but time for myself.

and that is when matthew came. and he quickly took all of my time, and i didn't want to be alone, i wanted to be with him always. but i still lived by myself, i still had plenty of time by myself everyday. there were times where i could think and breathe and make sense of life. mostly i thought about how i wanted matthew to be my side, how i never wanted him to leave. and we fell madly in love, and we got married...

... and now i am never alone. i miss my alone time. i miss cleaning and writing and reading and thinking and dreaming in peace. sometimes i wish i had a whole week to myself. just me, a couple bottles of wine, a couple books, a pen and pad, my snuggie, and a bath tub big enough to soak in.

but then i remember all those lonely nights, dreaming of falling in love, dreaming of matthew, dreaming of having someone to hold me, and love, me, cherish me. and when i think of that, no matter how much i miss my alone time, no matter how much i wish i had a moment just for me, i am grateful i have husband who wants to spend time with me, who will hold me and love me and dream with me.

this was my dream. and he made it come true. and i will gladly give my alone time up forever, to keep matthew by my side until we are old and grey.

Old Couple
by Luciano Ferri