change me... numero dos
this is me in november of 2004, also known as the then picture. (i can not bare to post the now picture...my issue, not yours) i was at the end of a six month mission internship in europe. i was also at the end of about a 70 pound weight loss. i was not trying to lose weight. however, in the six months i lived in france and romania i dropped 70 pounds. 70 pounds in 6 months. i have spent hours, days, months, years thinking about how i did it. and the truth is i don't really know. i give credit to relying on public transportation, and bikes to get around, the more natural food on the shelves in supermarkets in europe, and nerves... i was sick, nervous, unsure, and my stomach and intestines felt the nerves, nearly everyday. i still drank coke everyday, ate chocolate everyday, and mcdonalds once a week. i don't know what i did, but i did it. when i got off the airplane, my pants barely hanging on even with my belt cinched tighter than any old man i have ever seen, i felt incredible. i felt confident, i felt beautiful, i felt new. i felt like i had never felt in my life, even with barely hanging on pants, and clothes that i had worn for 6 months and were now threadbare, thin, and holy. i was nervous to see people i hadn't seen in forever. nervous because i knew the stares and comments and praises would come. it made me a little sick to my stomach. but i was also filled with excitement, and the attention was a different kind of attention than i was used to. it felt good. i quickly made promises to myself that i would never go back to the girl i was. i hated that person, i wouldn't do that to myself. for 3 years i only gained 15 pounds back. in the last 2 i gained back the rest. with the weight came the feelings of failure and shame, self consciousness and regret. quickly i became someone i didn't even know anymore, and i can hardly recognize that girl from 5 years ago now. i am not the same girl i was 5 years ago, and i will never be that girl again... 5 years have passed. i am now married, i am a wife. i work full time, go to school no time. i have more debt and more responsibility. i have few friends, few acquaintances. i am no longer 21. i also have shame, regret, failure, and very little confidence. and today... i say enough. i miss that girl 5 years ago. and while i can never be that girl again... i want to feel now how that girl felt then. so i did something. i joined weight watchers online. free for a week... and i am putting it out there in cyber blog world for all to see. not that anyone will see it, becuase no one knows i exist. i want to find myself again, i want to feel good again, i want to be beautiful for my husband, i want to be confident, i want to be me. i want to be me. so here's to finding me again. by blogging, and by weight watchers... i will find me again.