baby fever...

my friend holly, who also happens to be married to my cousin, kind of making her my cousin, well... let's just call her my cousin, that is easier.  to start again... my cousin holly just had a beautiful baby boy.  sweet baby brandon is a few weeks old.  and since they live like 3 blocks from us, we have managed to see him several times.  i never cared much for babies.  toddlers, yes.  preschoolers, of course.  tiny new babies, not so much.  until i had my own.  and i kind of liked him.  now i miss holding sweet baby asher and cuddling him close.  so any chance i can get to hold someone else's baby, someone else's baby who i don't have to nurse, who doesn't keep me up at night, and who i can pass off when they start to smell a little funky; i jump at it.  he is beyond precious.

stephen and holly are navigating first time parenting tremendously.  it is so hard.  i'd say it gets easier... but i don't think that is really true.  it becomes more natural, an easier stride is found in your new life (i still have a problem with this, but i don't think i am the norm here), but it doesn't get easier.  every day is still spent in worry, every day you wonder how you will screw up again.  every day has new challenges, new developments, new struggles for mom and dad and child.  it becomes a normal life, but i am not sure it gets easier.  it is lovely.  it is worth it.  but it is not for the faint of heart.  they are making it, they are surviving these first brain dead weeks.  i have told them to call if they get overwhelmed, but i have not heard from them yet.  i think they will be just fine.

in a few short weeks we have watched them transform; from married adults, to mommy and daddy.  the important things that used to be already don't seem so important.  the things that used to occupy their time and money, were replaced by loving a baby boy.  they are gentler, they are changing their dreams, and they will continue to... you can't describe to expectant parents how this change will come.  when they say they will continue to be everything they were before, when they remark on what kind of parents they will be.  those of us that have already been there, just bite our tongues.  because part of the transformation, is finding it all out on your own.  part of becoming a mommy is realizing that everything you were no longer matters.  of course,  parts of you will never change.  you will always cling to your daily workout, and your high heels will return as soon as chasing them every moment dissipates.  drinks with the girls will still happen, but much less frequently than before.  you will stay home more often, because you want them to sleep well.  your whirlwind driving will slow, because they are in the backseat.  and it's not that you lost yourself, it's that you became something new.  that old you is still there... in everything you do... you just do it with a baby boy in your heart, you do it with him as your number one thought.  i know this because i have been there.  i knew it would happen to them too.  but you just can't describe to new parents, exactly how their lives will change.  you just have to be there to help and encourage them, laugh and cry with them, and pray for them as they do.

i love stephen and holly.  and i already love baby brandon too.  he is blessed beyond measure with parents who are willing to grow and change for him.  i can't wait to see how he grows up.  i can't wait to see him and asher running around the yard together, best buds who only fight over that one helicopter toy we really should just buy an extra of.  and i can't wait to see how else stephen and holly will change.  i can't wait to change with them.

and all this baby talk, all this dreaming, and remembering, and hoping, and change... has me wondering.  wondering if one can change your life so much, how much more can two?  if all this love can be felt for one baby boy, will my heart explode when there are two?  i long to hold my own sweet baby in my arms, and i can not tell if it is a desire of memories, a remembrance of the sweetness that was... or if it is a desire for the future, a hope of sweetness yet to come.  either way, baby fever has hit at the most inopportune time.  as bills stack up, and work and school keeps me stressed and busier than i ever want to be. there is the stuff of life.  i have things i need to do, things i need to finish, a baby boy i need to potty train.  there is doubt.  doubt of the ability of paying for two kids, doubt as to if we can handle two at all.  but it is the fear that is most crippling. the fear of losing another baby, of carrying him in my body, never to be held in my arms.  the fear of the darkness that comes with the loss of your own flesh and blood.  but i have learned that i am not in control. my plans, my fears, my hopes, have little say of what is to be.  while we may not be quite ready for another, the day will come soon when we are.  and so... today we pray.  


  1. gina14:45

    If there is one thing I've learned, it's not to delay joy because of fear...

    So good to read one of your postings. So glad you are back!

  2. I'm also glad you're back. And I'm glad you're my friend and will always offer to help when I'm frazzled with a newborn and will bring me coffee and adult conversation and tell me that it's not just me, it's all new parents that have a hard time adjusting to the new role. Thanks for all you've done for us. I'm excited to see Brandon and Asher grow up and play together.

  3. Anonymous08:41

    Once again you find all the right words......babies....well, you know!!! You and Matthew make beautiful ones! --love you! -- MOM


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