we had a lovely visit with matthews mom and sisters this weekend. they came for a quick trip of baby fix. we always love having them. asher is so blessed to have so many people who love him so much.
saturday evening they had just left, and asher went to bed very easily. matthew and i headed down stairs to watch a netflix movie streamed to our xbox. we browsed the movies and finally decided to watch "Jack".
matthew had never seen it, and it had been years and years since i watched it.
i remembered it being cute and funny. and it was. but i also cried... big ugly tears through a lot of the movie. watching this movie as a mom was very different than watching this movie as a youngster.
i cried because i could imagine what it would be like to have your child be totally healthy, and still totally sick at the same time. i cried because i could feel the love that mama had for her baby boy. i cried because i knew; i knew our story would be no different from jack's.
someday asher will come home from school, sad and lost because the kids on the playground were teasing him. and all the chocolate pudding in the world won't console him. hugs and kisses and love from his mom won't make him feel better.
someday, i will make a decision that i think is best for asher, and it will break his heart. he will cry and scream and think i am ruining his life. and i will stand strong, thinking i know what's best.
and so i cried, big ugly tears. the tears of a mother who knows someday her son will have to grow, and with the growing will come unrelenting pain and confusion.
someday, asher will be different. in whatever way... he will be different from the kids around him. and no matter how perfect i believe he his, he will wish he was the same as the other kids.
someday, he will hurt. someday, he will be sad. someday, i will not be able to make it better. someday, he will grow. all i will be able to do is watch from the sidelines. all i will be able to do is cry myself to sleep and pray. now i can hold him in my arms and keep darkness at bay. but someday my arms will be unable to fight the darkness. i will not always be able to protect him. i will not always be able to keep him from harm. i am scared of these days to come. i wonder how i will react when he comes home sad and lonely. i wonder what i will do when i see the cruelty of the world written on his face. i wonder how i will be able to cope with not being able to keep him safe and from harm.
i dread this more than anything else. it makes me wonder why i would every dream of having children, knowing that someday he will hurt, someday he will have to know loneliness and pain and confusion; knowing someday he will have to grow.
and i know that unless he feels this pain and confusion and loneliness; unless he succumbs, at least a little, to the darkness; he will be living no life at all.
as happy as i would be to have him live in the room next to mine for the rest of his life... for his sake, i want more for him. and in order to achieve that... he must experience the growing pains of life, the growing pains of life that will leave both of us lost and hurt and crying ourselves to sleep.