what will become...

a year ago i had a blog post all ready to publish about all the things i wanted to accomplish in the next year.  i had big plans for myself.  i had thought about it for the entire year before, and i had specific goals i was going to accomplish. 

but something else happened entirely.

on january 2nd i decided the sore boobs and the constant fatigue was a bigger reason than the 2 week late period to actually pee on the little pink stick.  i cried and swore when i saw the results.

on jaunary 3rd i tried it again.  same result.

on january 4th i woke up with a pit in my stomach.  it wasn't morning sickness.  it was a pit of denial and wonder, knowing that when i peed on that little stick i would get the same result i had the previous 2 days.  and i did.  and i cried some more.  how could this be?  i walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where matthew was cooking his eggs and packing his pb&j.  "matthew... uh... i think i'm pregnant." i was crying now.  tears of fear and uncertainty and confusion.  it would several weeks before they turned into tears of joy.  "what do you mean, you think?"  "well.  i am.  i have taken a test a day for 3 days now."  he stared at me, complete bewilderment.  he may have mumbled something under his breathe, all i remember was the look of worry and confusion.  he kissed my head and held me while i cried, knowing he would figure it out, knowing while he was holding me everything would be alright.

a few days later when i decided to take one more test, just to be sure... i cried at the thought of it being negative.  and when 2 lines showed up, i smiled.  and i knew that my life would never be the same.  but i also knew that it would be okay.

and at that moment, my resolutions flew right out the window.  at that moment, all i resolved to do for the year was grow a baby and have a baby and become a mom.  the 50 extra pounds i was holding onto, would have to wait one more year.  that job i wanted to quit and find anew, well... i couldn't switch insurance now, so it would have to wait.  the big plans i had to fix the house... they would have to wait.  the big dreams i had of accomplishing something... went to the wayside.  sleeping was much more important at this point. 

my entire year and my dreams and my hopes and plans were disrupted by those 2 pink lines.  and i never hit publish on that blog post that was all written ready to enter the world.  i had written it all down, i was going to share it with you, so that i would have to keep up with it.  if you knew my hopes and dreams and aspirations.  if you knew my plans... i would be too embarrassed to fail.  and i didn't lose those 50 pounds, and i came back to the job i wanted to quit.  clearly i am not a published big wig writer, and that stack of recipes i was going to try, lost out to ramen noodles and mcdonalds drive thru.  that new me i wanted to become... i didn't become that person.  but i did become a new person.

and this year... i am not making any resolutions.  because i know this year i will become a new person again.  not because i i resolve to change... but because life changes, and with it i do too.  i will not become a new person because i want to lose 50 pounds, or because i want to find a new job.  i will not become a new person because i try to write more or gossip less.  i will become a new person, because i am constantly being transformed.  i will become a new person because i will have a baby to care for, i will become a new person because i grow in my duties as a wife.  i will become a new person because in this year life will change.  i will become a new person, because Christ is always working in me.  and the change i want in myself, may not be the change that He wants in me.  and what i resolve to do, may not become, because He may have other changes in store for me. 

I always thought new years was lame... who cares that it is a new year and a new beginning...we can make everyday a new beginning, everyday can be an opportunity to change who you will become.  a friend of mine, whom i worked with during my time in romania, tweeted this the other day... " Why is it we c a NwYr as a chance 4 new start when God's Grace gives us that opp daily?"  in non twitter terms, he is saying... "Why is it we see a New Year as a chance for a new start, when God's Grace gives us that opportunity daily?"  Everyday is a chance to change who we are, everyday is an opportunity to love Christ and follow Him.  Everyday is a new day.

and this year... i am not resolving to change anything, i am not making any half attempt to eat healthier or work out more, knowing that in a few short weeks i will forget i made any such resolution.  instead, i am going to live my life, as a wife and a mother and a friend, and i am going to grow and change naturally this year, in whatever way God desires me to.  last year, i think He knew what He was doing.  the change that happened to me in the last year was far better than any change i could have implemented myself, and this year i do not know what i will become, but i do know i will become a new creation.  i know that at the end of this year, i will not be who i was today.  and i can not wait to see what will become...   


  1. Axelle the french reader.14:06

    Having children make us become older and wiser. You won't see life as you used to, before.
    I'm happy to wish you a very happy new year, Melinda Sue. For yourself and for all your little family.

    PS : I just watched pics of Asher on Donna's blog : And I'm happy to say to you ON YOUR BLOG : Your son is SO, SO beautiful !
    I have learnt a new word, reading you and DOnna : kissable. That's what he is.
    Have a good day, friendly,

  2. That is a wonderful attitude.

  3. Karen F.13:10

    Are you sure you're not really about 75, you have such wisdom and perception for such a young woman. Beautiful post Melinda!

  4. Anonymous14:24

    Your blog entry made me think of the Father Tim character in Jan Karon's Mitford books. When others ask him what they should do, he tells them to pray this:

    "Thank you, God, for loving me and for sending Your son Jesus Christ to die for my sins. I sincerely repent of my sins and receive Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. Now as your child, I turn my entire life over to you. Amen"

    God bless you in 2011!

  5. Minna~ you have reached a level awareness that very few ever achieve! I love that for you--- Freedom!


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