just call me mommy no brain...
for 5 months my life has been filled with eternal joy. and laundry. and not showering.
for 5 months my brain has been completely dead.
i do not remember the last time i had two coherent thoughts strung together. i have a hard time starting and finishing a sentence. i forget how old i am. i forgot to pay a bill one month; i haven't done that--ever. i have to write everything down, everything. a real conversation about real life current events is out, i wouldn't even know where to start. i deep conversation about life and faith and the future. forget it. i haven't even had a deep thought in 5 months. how about a conversation about diaper rash or baby poop? that i can maybe handle. but let's keep it under 5 minutes, i have a screaming baby who needs to eat, or a diaper change, or attention.
i don't like being brain dead. i was never an intellectual. i wouldn't say i was a genius, or a prodogy, or that i could write or say thing eloquently always. i could easily be mistaken for a blonde. and i have been known to say idiotic things. but i used to have thoughts. i used to think. i used to be able to hold a conversation about something other than breastfeeding and teething.
my brain feels much like it did in college, during finals week, when i would be up for 3 straight days, living off of coke (like coca-cola, not like the powdery white stuff) and peanut butter straight from the jar.
i once was doing a take home final and kept falling asleep after i started each new question. i wrote answers like "a vision of the ho bag" and "men are evil, and we have to really try to get people to love themselves when it is raining" and, "not be a complete jackballs." and "as a girl, i am always surprised when people really cared that i wasn't around at all." seriously. for my theology final, at bible college. i would look at the question, start typing the answer and then drift off into a state of mostly sleep, but somehow the typing would continue. on the very last question i was answering, i woke up into a state of awareness where i could actually read what i had just written. the first thing i saw was "a vision of the ho bag." i cracked up. a few girlfriends were with me in the computer lab and i read out loud the answers i had just written. we laughed and laughed and laughed. then i decided there was no time to correct this final, so i printed it and ran across campus to turn it in by the deadline. I got an A-. there were lots of squiggly lines and question marks covering every page. the professor must have thought i would be entering the mental institution soon and thought it would be nice to give me an A. jokes on him, turns out i am not crazy, i am just tired and lazy, and have no brain.
and the point of that tangent is... i feel now, like i did then. brain dead. only i am sleeping, i don't feel tired. my brain just feels like... mush.
some tell me the fog will lift. some tell me mom brain is here to stay. i am hoping the first will come true.
some day soon i want to have a serious thought. some day soon i want to be able to write, to the speak, to think. some day soon i would like to have a brain again.
until then... just call me mommy no brain.
the good news is... asher is too young to know i am an idiot.
dear jesus, please let my brain come back before he is old enough to know. amen.