just call me mommy no brain...

asher is almost 5 months old.  if you saw my still pregnant looking gut, you wouldn't guess this.  if you saw the tiny bud of his first tooth, you would guess it. 

for 5 months my life has been filled with eternal joy.  and laundry.  and not showering. 

for 5 months my brain has been completely dead. 

i do not remember the last time i had two coherent thoughts strung together.  i have a hard time starting and finishing a sentence.  i forget how old i am.  i forgot to pay a bill one month; i haven't done that--ever.  i have to write everything down, everything.  a real conversation about real life current events is out, i wouldn't even know where to start.  i deep conversation about life and faith and the future.  forget it.  i haven't even had a deep thought  in 5 months.  how about a conversation about diaper rash or baby poop?  that i can maybe handle.  but let's keep it under 5 minutes, i have a screaming baby who needs to eat, or a diaper change, or attention. 

i don't like being brain dead.  i was never an intellectual.  i wouldn't say i was a genius, or a prodogy, or that i could write or say thing eloquently always.  i could easily be mistaken for a blonde.  and i have been known to say idiotic things.  but i used to have thoughts.  i used to think.  i used to be able to hold a conversation about something other than breastfeeding and teething.

my brain feels much like it did in college, during finals week, when i would be up for 3 straight days, living off of coke (like coca-cola, not like the powdery white stuff) and peanut butter straight from the jar.

i once was doing a take home final and kept falling asleep after i started each new question.  i wrote answers like "a vision of the ho bag" and "men are evil, and we have to really try to get people to love themselves when it is raining" and, "not be a complete jackballs." and "as a girl, i am always surprised when people really cared that i wasn't around at all."  seriously.  for my theology final, at bible college.  i would look at the question, start typing the answer and then drift off into a state of mostly sleep, but somehow the typing would continue.  on the very last question i was answering, i woke up into a state of awareness where i could actually read what i had just written.  the first thing i saw was "a vision of the ho bag."  i cracked up.  a few girlfriends were with me in the computer lab and i read out loud the answers i had just written.  we laughed and laughed and laughed.  then i decided there was no time to correct this final, so i printed it and ran across campus to turn it in by the deadline.  I got an A-.  there were lots of squiggly lines and question marks covering every page.  the professor must have thought i would be entering the mental institution soon and thought it would be nice to give me an A.  jokes on him, turns out i am not crazy, i am just tired and lazy, and have no brain.

and the point of that tangent is... i feel now, like i did then.  brain dead.  only i am sleeping, i don't feel tired. my brain just feels like... mush. 

some tell me the fog will lift.  some tell me mom brain is here to stay.  i am hoping the first will come true.

some day soon i want to have a serious thought.  some day soon i want to be able to write, to the speak, to think.  some day soon i would like to have a brain again.

until then... just call me mommy no brain. 

the good news is... asher is too young to know i am an idiot. 

dear jesus, please let my brain come back before he is old enough to know. amen.


  1. you have one beautiful son! who needs a brain with a kid like that? ;)

  2. He is beyond words gorgeous!! And I often worry I'm suffering from early onset Alzheimer's...and then I just realize I'm a Mom. And, sorry to say, my kids are 9, 8 and 5. It's just crazy!

  3. Anonymous08:37

    have your thyroid checked after giving birth mine went underactive, it made a word of differance once I got the much neded medication

  4. Well...I guess cause I was never the sharpest tool in the shed....I didn't see a difference after my babies were born.

    I love that paper.

    It is the strangest paper in the history of papers and the fact that you got an A- on does not speak well for your college teacher. It's horrifying to me.

    Now. Start feeling better soon!!!

  5. Anonymous02:14

    ha this cracked me up! Once I was writing my daughter's school schedule and under math I wrote "do you still party?" instead of Lesson 12 haha I was soooo tired.
    Asher is one of the cutest babies ever.
    I disagree with you you are DEEP and eloquent...read your blog posts! :)
    I think if you stop at one kid you have a chance of the fog lifting, but keep giving birth and the chances are slim. Just kidding...kind of. I've always been kind of ditsy but blaming it on my four kids can be convenient.

  6. Axelle the french reader.14:37

    Don't worry, Melinda Sue... It will only last ... FOR MONTHS AND YEARS !!! ... Sorry ... I have lost my brain 11 years ago, with the birth of my boy ! On the same way, strangely, I have the felling to have 4 brains, sometimes : one for each memeber of my little family :
    "Mum ? Where did you put my book of jkhdfkjsdhfks ???", "Mum ?... You have cleaned my room ?... Good job, so CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE IS MY PINK SOCKS ??", "Darling ?... Do you know where is my blue shirt ??" ...
    That's the reason why, sometimes, I put my clock ... in the fridge ! DON'T ASK ME WHY !!!


  7. Hi Melinda-i found your blog on Donna's, i took a photography class from her this summer. Love your writing and sooo can relate b/c i have 2 young children myself. i truly think you need to step back and give yourself a pat on the back. You are not brain dead-you are managing you, your baby, a marriage, and a career...chances on not enough sleep. you suddenly have to think and take care of another human being who is dependent upon you and his Daddy for everything! to do a good job, it's full time for quite some time. you are clearly an amazing Mom! most of all because you love him and you love his Daddy! Give your self a break, your 'new life' is still pretty darn new!!! Hugs from Kim in Minnesota! ;)

  8. i can NOT stop laughing.

    a vision of the ho bag????

    oh. my. word.


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