on wendesdays i have to leave the buddy at home with my mom. 

it is hard. 

i wish so badly i could be with him always.

but every wednesday mom brings me coffee when she comes.  coffee makes it better.

today she brought me lunch too.  that makes it better.

and she loves asher so much and holds him and kisses him doesn't want to let go.

but still it's hard.

and today as i was leaving, he was watching me go.  his eyes were following me down the staird and out the door.  and i wanted so badly to turn around and scoop him up and kiss his little face and not leave. 

but i didn't.  i walked out the door. 

and everytime i blink, i see those big eyes following me out the door.  and it breaks me. 

and i wonder if all the ladies who get to stay home with their little ones know how blessed they are.  i wonder if they know what a gift it is.  i wonder if those ladies, who may sometimes get sick of the monotony of being home, would still feel that way if they had to watch the eyes of their little one follow them out the door everyday.  i wonder if they know that this girl in omaha, ne envies them.  and i hope and pray that they don't take for granted the gift they are given.  i hope they revel in every moment they get to spend living this girls dream.

i am so lucky and so blessed to have this beautiful baby boy in my life.  i am so lucky and so blessed to have family around to help me with him when i can't be there.  i am so lucky and so blessed to get to go home each night, and hug him and hold him and love him.  i am blessed beyond meausre, whether i am home with him or working...

i wish i could be with him every moment, so i didn't have to miss a thing.  i wish i could watch him grow every moment.

last week when my mom came to pick him up and bring him to her house, i had a tiny little panic attack... "matthew, what if she gets in an accident?"  i asked between tears.  "what do you want to do, melinda, put him in a bubble?"  "yes.  kind of.  he can be bubble baby."  and i do kind of wish.  i wish i could protect him from all harm, knowing full well that if i protected him from all harm he would live the worst kind of lifeless life.  but i still kind of wish it, for myself as much as him.

 i worry about him when i am not with him.  i rarely worry when i am by his side, as if being next to him automatically protects him from harm.  and i don't like to be that paranoid worrying mom, but i don't think i can help it.  i think it is just the way it is.  i fight the creepy crawly feeling fo despair and worry for my little guy.   and most of the time it works. 

but i now understand that worry and sense of protection that a mother feels, that i never felt before.  and it is a welcome feeling for all the joy that asher max brings to me.



  1. As a stay at home mom in Omaha, NE I know exactly how incredibly blessed I am to be home with my three every day. I get to be home when 2 leave for school and pick them up every day and my third-I get to be home with him all day. And I always wonder how I did it when I had to work and leave 2 of them. How horrible it must have been because I know how amazingly awesome this is. And even though I'm with them unless they are in school I miss them constantly. My friends who work full time think I'm nuts for WANTING to stay home. I however think they are nuts for WANTING to work. We gave up A LOT for me to stay home and we continue to daily but I wouldn't have it any other way.

  2. Karen F.20:53

    My oldest is almost 25 years old and I still have the "mother arm" comes out automatically when any of my kids are sitting next to me in the car and we have to stop short.....You'll see, some day you'll have that too.

    This is the same arm that when they are tiny babies, you use it to stroke their face softly as they fall asleep. It's also the same arm that holds them while you are attempting to do household chores or check out at the store etc.

    You, Melinda have a very natural sense of motherhood since day one, all it means is that you are completely in love with your baby.....and that's a wonderful thing!

    Hope you're right handed, seems to work out best when whipping your arm over to protect someone you love in the passenger seat!

  3. gina11:28

    "knowing full well that if i protected him from all harm he would live the worst kind of lifeless life"....

    As a mom, I struggle with that all the time. I tend to be overprotective, paranoid...and want to protect my child from everything....

    But I hope for him a life full of wonder and experience...and that life doesn't come by me standing by him all the time....

    My son is a teenager...and yet I feel you are writing my heart's thoughts exactly....

    Leaving them never gets any better, or any easier...

    Your baby is so blessed...

  4. I wonder that too, Melinda. It is so hard to leave. I'm glad your Mom is able to be with him. He will treasure that time with Grandma!

  5. Maryjo08:38

    I have the best of both worlds and yes I do know how lucky I am. I started working part-time when my 2nd a daughter was 3 but they never needed daycare because I drive school bus and brought her along when she wasn't able to be home with Daddy. I did work a 30 hour work week when my first a son was born so I do know what you are going through. Its hard maybe when he gets a little older you can find an alternative like I did. Some of the hardest times were when I had them both home everyday it was much harder than working but worth every single moment. My SIL works fulltime and sticks my nephews in daycare every single day and doesn't mind one bit I don't get it!!! God Bless you for caring and seeing that having family is a blessing.

  6. Maryjo08:41

    I should add that driving the bus is not something I ever imagined for myself but it allows me to be home every day that they are not in school and off all summer. Here in PA you can bring your child with you to work when they are 2, the co. puts a seatbelt in for them to use with a carseat.

  7. Anonymous00:52

    Melinda, I don't know what you're going through, because I am blessed (and EXTREMELY grateful) to be a SAHM, but I do understand your feelings of worry and being protective. I'm sure you've heard the saying about having our children is like having our hearts walk around outside of our bodies-that is just so true and the more kids you have the more of your VITAL organs are out there in the world. I'm learning that God has my kids in His hand, the same way he did for me when I was little. I cannot keep them safe, only He can. I'm still learning to trust every single day. Asher is so blessed to have such loving parents!

  8. Anonymous17:50

    Thank you for letting me kiss and hug him on Wednesdays......he will never be short on love!!! - mom --- mamaw

  9. This comment is a little late, but I just found your blog...
    I started my maternity leave in September thinking I was going to have to go back to work after my 12 weeks were up. Through God's grace and careful planning, things worked out otherwise. I have been able to stay home, and I have praised God and cried tears of joy many mornings when I hear the school bus come through the neighborhood. It is such a blessing to be home, and my prayer for you is that you will cherish your half-days of work and feel blessed that your mother is close. You never know what God will have for you next!


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