black monday...

tomorrow is the day.

i have to go back to work tomorrow.

i have been weepy all day.  i can't imagine leaving asher, but right now this is our only option.

i will go back 2 days a week for a now. 

he will be with my aunt tomorrow, and my mom on wednesday.  i know he will be in good hands...

but still...

my heart hurts that i can not be here with him. 

i knew this day was coming, i feel like i should have been able to prepare for it.  but for 8 weeks i have hoped and prayed that God would open another door, that somehow my future would change, and i would not have to go... but i am going.

i am going wondering why he didn't open other doors, wondering why this prayer was not answered in the way i desired. 

and i am finding little peace or consolation.

tomorrow will be my black monday.

my heart will ache all day.


  1. Anonymous22:29

    Melinda, I don't know how you're feeling, but I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I will pray that God answers your heart's prayer, soon.


  2. praying you through. grateful that it's just 2 days a week... and that you've got amazing family support right there?? totally best-case scenario. you can do this.


  3. gina09:39

    I've always been impatient with the "God always answers prayers in his own way and in his own time". I've always kind of wished it was in MY time...
    But he has his divine plans...and the future will probably be even more wonderful than you ever imagined it would be....

    Praying for you today...

  4. Hi Melinda,
    I come visit your blog from Donna's blog. I remember having to go back to work and leaving my baby for the first time. It is hard, and I never got used to it. We survived--and like you I was grateful that it was just a few days a week. Thinking of you today from one mother to another.

  5. thanks for all your thoughts and prayers everyone.

  6. soo sorry you had to go back to work! I had in my mind the whole time I was off that I would never go back to work... but then when it came down to it we couldn't afford for me to not work a little bit... Sooo I work in the morning and Andrew watches Aaron... then when I get home he heads to work... I cried the first day I went back to work... but now over a year later it isn't soo bad but I still would much rather be at home... I am facing a possible lay off and wished it could have happened earlier so I could have had more time with my precious baby! I will be thinking of you this week and in the next few weeks as you adjust! You can do it! As hard as it is you need some time away too and some time to be with adults!

  7. Melinda, I know that it is so very hard to leave that sweet baby. My daughter just had to do the same thing and it was so hard watching her cry and worry about not being with her son. But, you have loving family that can take care of Asher while you work and they will talk about you and remind him that his Mom is working for him to have a better life. I know, because that is what I do every single day while I am keeping my grandson!!
    I still hope that door opens for you and praying that God will make this an easy transition if that door does not open soon.

  8. I know the feeling. Thinking of you and sending major hugs. Remember there are advantages to him being with others occasionally even though it breaks your heart!!

  9. Anonymous10:49

    I know God loves and cares for you and pray that things will all work out. Perhaps your mom and aunt can take pictures of Asher when he is with them or keep a notebook to tell you about how the day goes. We may get to keep our granddaughter one day a week if our DIL goes back to work and that is what we plan to do for her.
    Hugs, love and prayers, jep

  10. The Almighty One answers every prayer.... even when His answer is no.

    I have always believed that not always getting what I want, was His way of preparing me for the day when I'd have to say no to my children. Regardless of how hard it was. doesn't make G-d's no any easier.

  11. Anonymous16:33

    I remember leaving my baby when he was little. It is always hard, but at least you are only doing it for 2 days a week and he will be in the capable, loving hands of family.

    Just remember that God hears you all the time, even if you don't think he is listening.

  12. Karen F.17:26

    I remember having to leave my daughter when she was 2 1/2 and I had been able to be home with her all that time. I left her inside the day care center, she was screaming bloody murder, the teachers pushed me away and said go, go..........I got outside the front door and leaned up against the building and hyperventilated, I could not breathe, I fell to my knees. Another mom just came over and said it gets better, really it does.
    I think as tough as it will be, you have family and loving people that will watch him, and also he's so young, he'll do's YOU who will have the hardest time.
    Maybe your prayer was answered in that you need to work, so God made sure to have family available to love and care for him, not total strangers, try to be grateful for that. Either way, it's tough.

    sorry to write the novel,all the feelings just came rushing back to me.


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