part one...

sorry it has taken me so long...

i am becoming acustomed to being a mom. and i am tired. and sore. and haven't done my hair or worn makeup since the day he was born (oh scratch that, i did slab some on quickly so donna could snap a few pics on sunday)

he is the most precious, most perfect baby, i have ever seen. and there will be lots more posts about that in the future... so many you will be sick of reading them.

for now... i know you are waiting to hear about how asher came into this world. and i have been waiting to start putting this on paper (or blog archive) before i am so tired i can no longer remember my own name.

it was just over a week ago, and already it feels like a lifetime ago.

i had my last prenatal appointment on friday (2 weeks ago). the only time they could get me in was 1pm, they had called for an ultrasound to check on the size of the baby. i had been measuring large for the entirety of my pregnancy, although at the 28 week ultrasound they estimated his size to be a little below average, it appeared that he really liked all the root beer floats i was feeding him and maybe he had grown a little too big. i couldn't wait to see him again. i hadn't seen a picture of him for 10 weeks. matthew couldn't go with me, although he was anxious to see the ultrasound pictures, he had to work.

i went into the ultrasound first. it was a new girl i hadn't seen before, and she didn't care much to make small talk with me. which was fine, because i don't care much to make small talk with people i don't really know. it was clear she was there for a purpose. she wasn't trying to get a good shot of the baby so i could see him. flashes and shadows on the screen were unrecognizable. she worked her numbers and figures and announces to me, "it looks like he is really big. like, really really big. 98th percentile. 9lbs 4oz." i froze. there was no way. i was numb. i knew what was going to come. the doctor was going to want to induce me. i was determined to not be induced. i really wished matthew was there with me.

we walked from the ultrasound room to the scale, and my mind was so busy i didn't even notice if i had gained any weight. we walked to the bathroom, where i knew i needed to leave a urine sample, and when i got in there... i did my business without even grabbing a cup. my mind was so busy, i forgot to pee in the cup. i walked out and mumbled to her about how i couldn't go and i would have to try again after seeing the doctor. and then i was told i'd have to wait to see the doctor. so i sat... and i waited... and my mind started to run wild. fear crept in. fear of an induction. fear of pushing out a 10 pound baby. fear of having to make a decision without matthew by my side.

they finally called me back to the exam room, where i stripped myself of the bottom half of my clothing and covered myself with an extra large napkin. and there i sat... and sat... and sat... and it was hot in that little room, and i was sweating. after what seemed like an eternity the doctor finally came in, and said her normal hellos. the next words out of her mouth... "well, it looks like we have biiig baby." i smiled awkwardly. she checked my cervix and measured me, and then sat back down and picked up a calendar. she mumbled something about wanting to induce me on my due date, and i simply replied "i need to talk to my husband first." fighting back tears. she started talking about basic procedures when they admit you to be induced, and then i lost it. tears gushed from eyes, and my sweet doctor handed me a tissue. "are you afraid of being induced?" i just nodded. i was afraid of everything. but i was really afraid of being induced. and i was having a breakdown, and matthew wasn't there with me... and i didn't know what to say, or how to react. and i was alone. "we don't have to decide this today. if you aren't comfortable being induced, we don't have to. we can have your normal appointment a week from today, and decide what we want to do from there." i was still balling, but a little peace overcame me. and i nodded. and she understood that is what i wanted to do. she threw in a last comment that if i talked to my husband and we changed our mind, we needed to do so sooner rather than later, at least by monday morning. she finished up, i don't think i heard another word of what she said. i got myself dressed, and walked out of the exam room still swollen faced and trying to fight back tears.

i made it to the car before i lost it again. i prayed as i drove. tears blurring my view of the road. this is not what i had in mind. this is not what i planned. i like plans. i like order. i like to be in control. and this was changing my plans, was changing my dreams, was changing how i thought it would happen.

i prayed that i would go into labor before i had to make a decision. i prayed and prayed and prayed. i prayed for peace. i prayed for direction. i prayed that we could figure it out. and i decided that matthew and i would do everything we could to see that this baby came out before i had to make decision on induction or not induction monday. bring on the old wives tales... we were going to try each and every one. this baby had to decide to make his appearance by then... there was no other option.

to be continued...


  1. Jennifer22:38

    i cant wait to hear the rest! i cried at my last 2 appointments before Layla was born too!

  2. Anonymous15:20

    Oh my heart went out to you reading this! I'm looking forward to the rest of the story, too. I love how you write.

  3. i am dying to hear the rest!!!

  4. I love hearing this from your perspective. :o)

  5. Can't wait for Part 2- nap well for mommy, little Asher!


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