mommy dearest, only nothing like the movie...
as long as i can remember i have wanted nothing more than to be a mom.
my friend rachel keeps telling me i am already a mom, that being a mom starts from the day of conception, that i am already caring for a little one. but i don't feel like a mom yet. i wonder when that day will come, or if it ever will... if i will just feel like i am playing house for the next 30 years.
regardless of how i feel, the days of being a mom are fast approaching, and i am finding myself doing a lot of thinking. a lot of dreaming. i lot of remembering. and i am wondering what inside of me made me desire so much being a mom. is that just how God creates us? it is pretty rare a person who doesn't desire to have children on some level. did God create me to have many children, so gave me the desire deeper than others? is it just some kind of selfish preoccupation, wanting to have pieces of myself running around the world? is it because the mother i had growing up, gave me such a blessed life, that i desire to do the same for my little ones? perhaps it is little slices of all of these things, that create the larger whole.
i do think had i not grown up with my mom, the desire wouldn't live so deep. my mom loved us fiercely. she desired the best for us always. she hugged us and kissed us and held us, perhaps even too much. she sacrificed a lot of her own life, so she could raise us. our lives became her life. she found joy in running us around, and cooking for us, and tucking us in at night. she prayed for us constantly. everyday. in every situation.
i remember days of going to the apple orchard, walking around hand in hand with my mom in the crisp autumn air. plucking ripe apples from the trees and running around in the hay bales. then for days we would cook... making apple pies and apple crisp and applesauce. the smell of cinnamon, sugar, and sweet scented apples permeating the whole hose, permeating deep into your soul.
we used to make homemade spaghetti. spending what seemed like hours in the kitchen rolling and patting and pressing and cutting. laughing and loving and wishing the day would never end.
she always made our birthdays special. we were greeted with a smile, a hug, a birthday tune, and a specially made breakfast. we would get to choose what to eat all day. it was our day after all.
the day after thanksgiving we would work at putting up all the christmas decorations. we would play christmas records, yes records, and occasionally my chipmunks christmas tape. we would sing and laugh and decorate. we would thread popcorn and cranberries for the tree. i think it was her favorite day of the year. then her second favorite day of the year, a few days before christmas, all of my cousins would come over to make christmas cookies. we would spend spend the whole day making and icing christmas sugar cookies. covered in flour and our world famous family almond icing, we would laugh and laugh and eat our weight in cookie dough. there were kids everywhere, yelling and screaming, and laughing and screeching. fighting occasionally, and mostly loving every moment. then we would order pizza, and laugh some more, and watch christmas movies. this tradition continued until the year we moved away from our cousins, well into many of our adult years. i still miss this day every year.
when i had a bad day, she was always there for me to yell at and to cry into. she always knew what to say, and when to say nothing at all.
she took me shopping, even though she hated it. she watched movies with me, even though she never loved movies as much as i did. she came to every single bring choir concert, and school play, and orchestra recital. she never missed a volleyball game, or basketball game, or soccer game, no matter how much time i spent sitting on the bench. she always let my friends hang out at our house, and only yelled down the stairs for us to be quiet when dad was home. she was my friend. i could tell her anything, at anytime. we enjoy each other. we are so blessed to have each other.
my mom is one of the most selfless human beings i know. she loves nothing more than to give of herself. if she has an extra 20 bucks, she is buying something for someone else, or taking me to dinner. if she has an open saturday afternoon, she is helping someone paint a room or trim their hedges or sell their junk at a garage sale.
she loves people. she loves talking to people, praying for people, knowing about people. and people love her. try going to the grocery store with her... it's brutal. it takes an hour to buy eggs and milk. she talks to everyone, everyone talks to her.
she has taught me about forgiveness, and faith, and serving, and loving people. she has taught me how to be a wife, a sister, a friend. she has taught me how to be a mom. it's because of her and her great love for me, that i can not wait to become a mom myself. i hope that i can be half the mom she was, and is.
i am so anxious to see her as a grandma. our baby boy will be so lucky.
and i hope on this mother's day, although she will be hundreds of miles away, she will know how grateful i am for her, how much i love her, and how much i want to be like her when i grow up.
i love you mom.