whip, crack, boom...
thunderstorms always frightened me. during they day they are frightening enough, but at night... they are really really scary.
there wasn't a spring storm i slept through in my entire life. the second the thunder cracks for the first time, that lightning strikes bright, the wind picks up, or the rain starts beating on my window; i am up. my heart beating in my throat, and eyes wide.
as a little girl i would crawl out of my bed and gently knock on my mom and dads door. "mommy... i'm scared." and they were always there. they would always let me come sleep with them... or come tuck me back snugly into my bed and sing to me til the storm passed. and that was all it took. the second your parents arms were around you, the storm didn't seem quite so scary. you knew you would be okay. there were times in junior high or high school when dad was gone, or not home yet, that i still remember going to get in bed with my mom. it just feels better to have someone next to you in a storm. and there is no one better to have by your side than your mom.
as an adult girl, when the thunder strikes...i wake up... get out of bed, look out window and visually scan for the level of tornado threat. i then get back into bed and tell matthew i am scared. he pulls me close, and i try to go back to sleep. the next crack of thunder i am out of bed again and turning the news on. i need some assurance that this storm will pass with minimal damage. as the storm starts to quiet, and i know no tornado is going to whisk me to my death, i get back into bed. where i am still a little shaken, and a tiny bit scared. matthew holds me and tells me everything is okay, and i try to go back to sleep.
last night we had our first spring storm. and it was a doozie. i don't ever remember hearing thunder or seeing lightning like that. and i was out of bed in a whip. for a moment i was scared 3 year old girl wishing i could knock on my parents door and crawl into the safety of their bed.
and i realized that in a couple years, matthew and i will have our own child knocking on our door, whispering "mommy, i'm scared..." but i will already be up, scared out of my own mind, clinging tightly to matthew for comfort.
how will i be able to comfort my own child, when i am so scared myself? how will i be able to hold them in my arms and sing them back to sleep, when in every way i am a frightened 3 year old girl in pigtails again? and will they know that i am scared? will i be going to crawl into their bed to comfort myself, while they sleep soundly?
and how on earth can i be a mother, when i am a child in so many ways myself?
i don't expect anyone to have answers to this. and i fully expect you to think i am the weenie of all weenies being scared of a little thunder and wind. and i won't deny it. i am a weenie.
i know i am so grateful to have matthew as my other half. there is no one else in the world i would want to do this with. and in this case, he can be the strong one. he can be there to comfort both me and baby. he can hold us both tight, and tell us everything is going to be okay, and say a quiet prayer. and i can shed a silent tear... a tear of fear, and a tear of adoration for this man that God brought to me.