the victoria's secret swimsuit catalog showed up in my mailbox a few days ago. and i quickly ran over the pages and oogled all the bikinis. i was dreaming that i had many of them, and that i had the body that fit perfectly inside of them. and then i oogled a little more, and dreamed a little more, and then swiftly threw it in the trash can... i didn't need those skinny pretty girls staring at my growing pregnant body and judging me. no way. to the trash can it goes.
but the truth is, if i were thin and fit and beautiful... i would wear this everyday. or this. or if i were really daring, this.
i am not kidding. i often think that God must have made me not hot, so i wouldn't be a floozy. that must be the reason i am fat, why i struggle with my weight... God is just trying to make sure i am not a floozy. its kind of nice of him really, to look out for me like that. matthew is always there to so gently remind me... "uh, melinda i don't think God made you fat." yah. i know. thanks for reminding me, love.
if i was thinner and hotter... i would have lots and lots of bikinis. lots of mini dresses and tank tops and maybe the occasional pair of daisy dukes. everyday, i would simply slap on some mascara, leave my hair long and wild and natural, and go out to the meet world. i would always take vacations to the beach.
and my way more conservative than me husband and i would probably not be married. he would have just thought i was a floozy and never taken a second look at me. and i kind of like him, so i am glad he took a second look, and i am glad he loved my conservative self, and i am glad we are married.
i am not that girl. the bikini girl. i probably never will be. and that's okay. i am a girl who wears layers. lots of them. and most days i love myself despite the layers. i am a wife, and a soon to be mother. and i am happy, and loved, and free to be me. i am not defined by my bikini body... or lack there of. in fact, no one really is. because in the end, none of that really matters...
the me in my head is that hot and beautiful girl wearing the bikini with long hippie hair, taking beach vacations. i am confident, and sure, and happy, and kind of look almost pretty in some light... and when i look in the mirror, the picture doesn't match what is in my head... and maybe someday, it will match up. maybe.
but until then, you can find me on the beach wearing something like this...
Baigneur de Soleil I
Baigneur de Soleil I