home sweet, awkward home...
i grew up in colorado. broomfield, colorado. we moved to colorado when i was 7 years old, the summer after first grade.
it was my home. the sunshine, the mountains, the fresh air. my family.
we lived in the beautiful clean suburbs. not far from the happenings in the big city. not far from the peaceful retreat of the mountain lakes and air.
i loved colorado. it was my home. solace. joy.
i lived down the street, across town from my cousins. we grew up like brothers and sisters. we saw each other everyday. we loved each other unconditionally, we made each other laugh, we cried with each other, we shared everything. there is no other way i would have wanted to grow up. my aunts and uncles and grandma and grandpa were there for all my important events. they were there to give me advice, and hug me, and love me.
we were a close family, closer than most.
and we always had the backdrop of the mountains, the excitement of the city in the background. it was a perfect way to grow up.
i decided to go to college 600 miles away, in omaha, ne. i always knew i would come back to colorado, it was my home. where my family lived. where my heart was.
my parents made the decision to buy a home in the country and move to a small rural town in nebraska. 2 weeks before i started college, my parents loaded up two ryder trucks, and with the help of my cousins, moved all their belongings to nebraska.
i was mad. i was really mad. they were transporting my life. they were moving away from my family, they were moving away from the only sisters i ever knew my cousins jennifer and april. they were moving away from my friends, and the house i loved, and my home. away from our cabins, away from the mountains, and the sunshine, and the fresh air. they moved to cow country, corn land, the country... in nebraska. i thought they must be trying to ruin my life. i cried and cried and cried and yelled and yelled and yelled for months. i think i was a very unpleasant daughter for a very long time.
i missed the sun, i missed the mountains, i missed my family. i just knew this place would never feel like home.
nearly 8 years have passed since i moved to omaha, and last weekend, i got to go home. to colorado. to my cousins, my sisters. my family. to sunshine and mountains and fresh air. and it felt exactly like home, and exactly like a foreign land at the same time. and i just can't explain it. it was a very strange feeling being home. my family was wonderful, my sisters were like a breathe of fresh air. it felt exactly like it always did, exactly like it should. but it felt unfinished of sorts, unfamiliar, not like home. like home in every sense, and in no sense at all.
and it felt kind of strange. in an unexplainable way.
and i realized, my family will always be my family, they are my home. and while i love colorado, everything about it, it is not my home anymore. that place i grew up, that wonderful life i would not trade for anything, is no longer my life. my family will always be my family, my home. they will be there no matter what, and no matter the miles that separate us, or the time that passes between visits, it will be as if i never left.
but that place... it is not my home anymore. it is completely foreign. it still hold solace and joy, the same as it always did, but it is not my home.
my home is omaha, nebraska. my home is my husband, and our house that will be a work in progress as long as we live in it. my home is corn, and beef, and the college world series. my home is not at all where i ever thought i would be. i never thought i would settle in this place. and my heart is split between two places. my home is both here and there. and as unexplainable as being there was... coming home was just as unexplainable. like i just left my home, and was still coming home, and it felt like i was losing my home, and coming home at the same time...
this may not have the mountains, or the fresh air, or the big city. the sun may not shine, it does not have my family, and i may miss it everyday.
but where i belong, is wherever matthew is. wherever he is, is where i find my solace, my joy. i belong by his side, and wherever that it... that is my home. this is my home.
all pictures were taken by me labor day 2008 in colorado.
Melinda Sue, I am so glad that your family moved to Ashland, NE. My life would have been so different. I thank God for the miracle that you guys ended up in Ashland of all places.. I miss you very much. I can't wait to see you and Baby B. Are you going to be around Easter weekend?ReplyDelete
i feel the same way about washington. last time i visited, it felt so much like visiting and not at all like returning home. i didn't know about any of the new stores or restaurants. washington continues w/o me, but omaha can't change anything w/o me noticing.ReplyDelete
You were a monster teen!Which begs the question, did your Mother every say to you, "I hope someday you have a daughter just like you?"ReplyDelete
amanda, i am so glad we met your family, and i am glad we came ehre too. i will be around at easter! can't wait to see you!ReplyDelete
lmk, i was a terror during periods of my life. but near the terror some kids are. my mother is delusional, ask her, she will tell you i was nearly a perfect child, that i raised myself, that every mother should have children like me. i think she has blocked the struggling times out of her memory. i did however have several teachers who always hoped i would become a teacher, so i could have students just like me... yikes. maybe i don't want to go back to school.
we loved having you here! It was so nice to spend time with you and teach you "the helicopter". Layla is back to sleeping in her bed and we miss you. I wish this was your home but I'm glad that you are happy in Omaha.ReplyDelete
jen, i was afriad i messed up poor laylas sleeping routine forever. i love you and miss you everyday... and wish i could somehow have both homes at the same time.ReplyDelete
It is such a lovely post... This is really beautiful, Melinda, xhat you said. And I can understand it vbeacuse I lived the same, with th same strange feelings ... There's a french proverb who sais : you can come at the same river than before : this is not the same man and not the same water ...ReplyDelete
PS : for the wine, I LOVE the sweet too ... For Alsace wines, there's is the Gerwurtzaminer (un-sayable !!)"vendanges tardives" and for me, the best of the best is le Jurançon.
If one day, you come back to France...
look at this pretty blog!ReplyDelete
axelle, an alsace gerwurtzaminer is what i brought home with me, the wine i dream about. one day, when i make it back to france...ReplyDelete
donna, this feels more like me than that plain black. i really love the look.ReplyDelete
My parents did the same thing to me! I went off to college and they moved from my hometown in Kansas down to El Paso. Why El Paso? Why the desert and beyond hot summers? It was hard to go and visit them. I felt a little abandoned. And then I went back to my hometown to watch a football game and felt like a foreigner. Somehow I didn't belong anymore. It wasn't my hometown, it was my family that I missed-just like you!ReplyDelete
once again my daughter writes a beautiful blog!!! Isn't she gifted?ReplyDelete
First, I just have to say that the picture of you and Layla is absolutely precious. Second, I know that the only place for you is with your sweet husband and that where he is is where you should always be. So how about the two of you moving to Colorado:) Naw, I know you can't, your baby needs your mamma! Hopefully we'll see you in May for the wedding. Love and miss you sweet girl!ReplyDelete
By the way, I love your new page. I don't see funny lines anymore when I'm done reading your blog:)ReplyDelete
PS : Il love the new look of your blog !ReplyDelete
These are lovely reflections.ReplyDelete
Seems as though the best things in life are bittersweet.
Is that beautiful little girl your niece? Something about those big brown eyes makes me wonder.
Your baby is going to be very genetically blessed!
anita... that little girl is my cousin jennifers sweet daughter layla.ReplyDelete
I love your new look! Much easier to read.ReplyDelete