success, defined...

my mind has been full of thoughts. lots of thoughts. i am finding it hard to concentrate, on work, tv, conversations, cleaning the house, driving, blogging... my brain is in a fog, so full of other thoughts, that i can not concentrate on the things that i really need to concentrate on.

do you ever have days like that? i do, but those days have never lasted 4 weeks before... and these have lasted 4 weeks.

one thought that keeps creeping in to mind is what makes people successful...

some people would say that certain people are born with the genetics to be smart, to test well, to have doors opened, to make it.

some people would say that certain people work harder than others. they study hard, work hard, desire, strive, have the discipline.

some people would say that all it takes is a healthy dose of self esteem. enough self esteem will take you anywhere, to the highest level of your dreams, if only you believe in yourself.

i don't know what i think. i don't know where i fit in. and i am trying to figure it out. i have a lot of dreams, a lot of things i want to be, things i want to do, dreams i want to accomplish. i am 26... 10 years ago, i thought by 26 i would have accomplished some of those things. but 1o years later, i am still trying to figure out how to accomplish even the smallest of dreams.

i have had every opportunity in the world. i had parents who loved me, told me i was beautiful every day. they told me i could do whatever i wanted to do, become whoever i wanted to be. they taught me not to quit. they taught me to love God, love others, and love myself. i did okay in school growing up. i breezed through with fairly good grades, and fairly little effort. i went to college, paying for it myself (or signing loan papers by myself at least) i had a huge support team who believed in me, wanted me to become who i wanted to be. but there is something i didn't have. something has kept me from accomplishing my dreams, something as kept me from being the success i always thought i would be. is it the genetics i am missing? is it the drive? is it the belief in self? is it fear?

i know some people who have had to try, and try hard to get where they were going. they had to study every night, listen intently, stress out and miss sleep and skip on having fun. but they were determined. they wanted what was just out of their reach... but they worked hard, and it got them where they wanted to be.

i know some people who come by everything easy. they never had to study a day in their life. doors just opened for them for the next step, they reached the top without a hair out of place or even slightly out of breath. they just were made to do it. they came by it naturally, and it got them where they wanted to be.

i know some people who didn't have all the brains, and they didn't really try that hard at getting the brains. what they did have was self esteem. they believed in themselves so much, that they would take every chance, because they knew what the outcome could be. they believed in themselves, and it got them where they wanted to be.

these people did not have any opportunities that i did not have. but they accomplished it, they hit success like i did not. what makes some people successfull and some people not? what makes some people accomplish their dreams, and some people not?

i don't think i know the answer. i don't know if anyone has the answer... but these are thoughts that are filling my mind. these are just some of the thoughts that are interrupting my sleep, my work, my driving, my cleaning, my everything.

i don't feel like a failure. i have accomplished a lot in my 26 years. i have lived independently since the first moment i could. i lived in europe and loved and served and learned. i found the love of my life and convinced him to marry me. we bought a house. we work hard for what we have. we have few friends, but those we do love us fiercly. we have families that we love and respect, and that love and respect us in return. we work, and live, and love. i am happy. i wouldn't change a thing. but there are still things i want to accomplish, success i want to see, dreams i want to achieve. and my mind has been searching for the answers.

so i am just throwing these questions out into space, out into blog world, and hopefully this one question will stop crowding my mind, and i can at least drive to work safely without my foggy head distracting me from safe and happy driving.


  1. I'm with you there. I always think of all the things I WISH I had done or could do, and somehow it seems almost hopeless -- like "How am I ever going to get there?"

    My husband is a real go-getter, and I think a big part of the puzzle is focus. I think if you can really focus on what you want and where you want to be, you're more likely to get there.

    That would make sense to me, because I definitely lack focus. I am all over the place in my head.

    You have plenty more time in your life to do more. Think of all the accomplishments you've already reached, and how much more time you have to do more :)

  2. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined.

    Set very small goals. Achieve those!

    What does God what you to do?
    How can you glorify Him in what you want to do.
    Ask God.
    Then take a step.
    You have to be moving to get anywhere.

    I think you should try out for American Idol!

  3. hindsight is always 20/20

  4. don't ask me - i don't even know what i want to be when i grow up. i do know that i've been in a fog myself lately - i missed my turn on two seperate occassions while driving. i'm a hazard to myself (i had to - it was too tempting).

  5. karen Finnessy12:31

    I think that you are too hard on yourself in thinking that you've hardly begun your dream.

    Finding the right man and getting married is a goal some never achieve.Having a family that loves and supports you ( on both sides) is HUGE! Some families literally hate and tear each other down, only spend energy on negative and toxic relationships amongst themselves.

    What's the one thing you LOVE to do? What's the one thing people comment to you about? Donna wrote you should try for A.I. , so I"m assuming you're a good singer, is that something you can pursue?

    I read your cute blog as I'm a friend of Donna's and jumped on the link. Used to know Matthew when he was a wee little tyke........His sense of humor was always so dry and I found it very funny.

    I really do believe in the saying, Let Go and Let God.........I'm still working on that and I'm 51. Never too late to learn.

    Be Blessed, Karen Finnessy

  6. karen,

    i am just tickled that you stopped by, and left me such an encouraging comment.

    i am blessed, and grateful for what i have accomplished so far. it is just that i dream so big, i will never totally achieve what i dreamed...

    of course i have heard about you lots in our years together, and perhaps one of these days we will meet :)

    ps... donna (and my own mom) are a little delusional about my level of singing ability. i guess as my mom's they are supposed to be.

  7. Karen Finnessy17:27

    That's too funny M. Don't know your mom, but I do know Donna has a great ear.

    My favorite "Matthew moment" was when a girl in his high school asked if her dress made her look fat and he calmly replied........."It's NOT the dress". Donna almost fell out of her chair with embarrassment, the poor girl sort of just slunk away, quietly.

    Good old Matthew, He's such a tease. Also remember vividly he and Patrick and their various buds, riding their bikes down the street to the nearest gas station to buy candy and snacks. Such carefree days.

    Your blog is wonderful, your writing is so heartfelt. You seem to have a real gift for that, would you ever consider a career as a writer? I read in your past blog that you loved Julie/Julia so much and could relate so well with Julie, pick something you love and DO IT! I know it's usually easier said than done, but writing is something you can do on the side, it doesn't cost you any money and you can let your creativity flow.

    YOU GO GIRL. Karen

  8. that last comment made me laugh OUT LOUD. oh. Matthew, that's funny.


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