dieting is easy...
dieting is easy for about 2 weeks, maybe 3. at that point i pretty much want to shove french fries in my face at any given moment. french fries. and chicken fingers. and milkshakes. and alfredo. and when i am not wanting to shove terribly fattening and oh so delicious food down my gullet, i am sneaking pieces of chocolate and great big drinks of ice cold coca-cola.
in my first three weeks on weight watchers, i lost 7 pounds. in my fourth week, we were on vacation. my goal was to not gain any weight. i knew i wouldn't lose weight, but i didn't want to gain weight. and i accomplished that. so in 4 weeks, i lost 7 pounds. and i felt pretty good about that. i felt great about that. i knew it would come off slowly, i am trying to change a lifetime of bad habits here. and as my husband so lovingly reminded me, "hey, if you lose 2 pounds a week, that is over 100 pounds a year." and he is right. and as i get older they years come and go quicker, so i would be at my goal weight in no time. but then came week 4. and week four i gained a pound back. 1 pound. 1 pound back on my body. and that could have destroyed me.
you see, i watch the biggest loser. and i see them lose 20 pounds in a week. and it is easy to be disappointed when i see a 1 or a 3 pound loss in a week. this makes me kind of hate the biggest loser. it gives me false hope, unrealistic expectations, and that results in disappointment, and a feeling of failure, and that keeps me fat. but the hate and blame doesn't really fall on the biggest loser, although i will inappropriately lay the hate and blame on them until i am blue in the face.
i am the reason i am fat. it is not because of my mom or dad. (although they told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world, no matter how fat i was, and did not always provide the healthiest lifestyle for me) it is not because of anything my husband did or did not do. (although i did seem to gain most of my weight back after we were married) it is not a defense mechanism to some terrible time in my past. (although i can pinpoint when i really started packing on the pounds, to a very confusing and hard time in my life) it is not because society puts too much pressure on young women to be thin and young and perfect (although i think they do) it is not because i was not given the tools, it is not because i didn't know the danger.
i am fat because every day i choose to be. it is no ones fault but my own. why do i choose this? why do i choose to stay unhappy, uncomfortable, unsure, and unwilling or unable to change? i don't know the answer to that. not yet. if you know the answer tell me. because i have been searching for it for some time now... and at this point, i am not even sure there is an answer. perhaps it just is. perhaps it is just because. perhaps it is just because i choose it.
when i lost about 70 pounds 5 years ago (that is a guess, i never weighed myself before, so i don't know exactly) i proved to myself i could do it. i could lose weight, i could be a healthy size and weight. and i could feel beautiful in every situation. and i resent myself so much for not keeping the promise i made to myself to never go back again.
resent, hate, disappointment, self loathing, anger, hurt, those feelings are a sure fire way to failure. and i know i have to change those thoughts and feelings that are embedded so deep in my heart and mind. in order to succeed at this i have to rid myself of all of them. but that is the hardest part. because maybe it is easier to hold onto them than to let go of them. because if i let go of them now, i will have nothing to take their place. and with nothing to fill that empty heart and mind, i will just be an empty shell. and what good is a fat empty shell? but what good is a hurt, angry, resentful shell of any size? and that is not the person i really am. i am not really an angry, disappointed, resentful creature. but that is the wall i have built. and now the wall has to come down. but what brick do i start with? where do i go from there?
i know what i have to do. it is the doing it that is the hard part. so pray for me. today, this week, this month, this year. that i can let go. that i can let go, and become who i was meant to be. (and maybe lose a few pounds while i do it)