just so...

i just happened upon a very old blog post from when i first started this blog, in 2005.  i wrote occasionally then, even mroe occasionally then i do now, and for some reason... this blog struck me.  so i am going to share it...

here it is in all it's glory...

blogging seems a likely distraction...

I am currently sitting at a computer in the Grace University library. This is not my favorite place to be, and definitely not my choice of working environment. However, until I get a new computer, this is where I must do my work. Being in this place sucks for many reasons which include, but are not limited to:

1. Fluorescent lighting is not the best light to work in, especially when staring at a computer screen, and it is really unflattering.
2. The carpet is orange.
3. There are only 2 computers with comfortable chairs (woo-hoo, I got a hold of one today)
4. The librarian stares at me in a very uncomforted way, and whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. (however today she got a new fresh pink sweater, which is the cutest thing I have ever seen her in)
5. The bathroom here always smells and is the approximate temperature of my freezer.
6. The library usually smells of dirty diaper and popcorn. (today the odor is not as strong as it usually is.)
7. Small talk. I am always required to make small talk with people I only know marginally well. I am not good at it, and don't really enjoy it.
8. I am always faced with the reality of not being in school, and have to explain that to people while I am here.
9. I always see teachers and professors and students who know the real reason why I am not in school, and that embarrasses me, and makes me feel very foolish.
10. Quiet spaces make me fairly nervous.
11. There is a really creepy picture of something in direct eyesight of my chair, and I do not know what it is, nor can I explain why it scares me.

None the less here I am, distracting myself from getting my work done, by writing a post that perhaps 2 people will read.

for some reason, this post took me back to that day... i can remember it fairly clearly after reading it over. 

i can remember what it felt like to sit in the library and wait for matthew to come say hello, and the butterflies he still gave me.  i can remember what it felt like to have a job that i liked, but that could hardly pay the bills.  i remember the stress and the emotions and the loss of control i felt about the adult responsibilities that were ever growing for me.  i remember falling in love.  i remember life being more simple.  i remember going shopping, for clothes, for myself, by myself (i haven't done that in eons).  i remember being thinner.  i remember living in the ghetto and not knowing it was the ghetto.  i remember being happy.

it seems like a lifetime ago, a different world, it seems like i was a different person.  not a better person, not a worse person... just a different person.  and i liked my life then.  and i like my life now.  sometimes it is just good to look back.  it is just good to remember how things used to be.  it is good to remember how life has changed, and how it will continue to.  it is good to know how life is just so...  


  1. "it seems like i was a different person. not a better person, not a worse person... just a different person."

    I love this. Sometimes, while flipping through the card catalog of my memories, I can't believe all these versions of myself were me.

  2. by the way - i went to the grace library last week and took pictures to show you - it has changed.

  3. Sissy I love you....

  4. Sissy I love you!


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