absent... continued...

i have been absent.

i have not been me.

i have not written or read or sang.

i have not cleaned or shopped or cooked.

i have sat. i have cried. i have felt. i have hurt.

i have been absent from my body, still present in my heart. i have been absent from my mind, still present in my soul. i have been absent from myself.

i have felt like a shell.

i have been absent.

weeks passed... 6 then quickly 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12...

12 weeks, it stings to hear the words, it stings to write the numbers, it stings deep into a fresh wound. 

i would have been 12 weeks pregnant today.

would have been.

when asher turned 6 months, i decided it was finally time to go in for my 6 week check-up... i had a c-section, i didn't need "the okay" to start having sex again; and they checked my incision at 2 weeks and said everything looked great.  i kept putting it off, over and over again.  then my hair started falling out; in fist fulls.  everyone said it was normal, and that it would stop soon; but it still had not stopped.  and we decided that the $30 a month for birth control would be a lot cheaper than the $642,789.23 a month it costs to have a baby.  so i needed to go to the doctor.  asher and i went together. we love each other you see, so we like to do things together.  i don't really like to be apart from him because one day soon he will wake up and realize it's not cool to be best friends your mom, he will realize that i am not the best thing in the world, and then... we will not get to do everything together anymore.  the prospect of that day reaches to my very core, it breaks my heart... so until then, we will do everything together.  even if that means he will sit in the corner in a stroller, while i lay naked on a table waiting for a pap smear and a blood draw.  he goo-gooed ga-gaaed in the corner and chewed on his sophie giraffe while i chatted with the doctor, and got my birth control prescription.  my little monthly friend was already a day late, but neither the doctor nor i was too concerned since i hadn' had a regular 28 day cycle since i was 17.  we left with strict instructions to start the prescription the first day of my menstrual period.  the buddy and i went home and played until i had to go to work later that day.  everything was fine and normal.  i must have been pregnant then, we just didn't know. 

2 weeks passed, and i was still waiting for that cycle to start so i could start my birth control... at 6 weeks and 2 days, i decided to pick up a pregnancy test over my lunch break.  i couldn't wait til i got home, i went straight to the target bathroom.  2 seconds after peeing in that stick, the pregnant line showed up bright pink.  the second line had not appeared, but i had seen enough of these tests to know what that bold first line meant.  i burst into tears.  i cried big ugly tears.  i whaled.  in the public bathroom.  at target.  there was a poor lady int he stall 3 over form me, who must have thought i was dying, still she stayed silent.  i bucked up, pulled my pants up, and ran out the front door to the solace of my car.  the 10 minute drive back to work, i cried and screamed and prayed.  i wasn't praying calm organized words, i was screaming angry tirades at God.  we couldn't do it.  i knew we couldn't do it.  our kids would only be 14 months apart; asher would barely be walking before i would have to have another c-section and another child.  we were broke.  how could we afford it?  how could we cope?  i cursed and cried and screamed.  i was unsure of how matthew would react.  i was unsure of my ability to do this again.  i was scared and mad and lost.

matthew helped me empty my grocery bags when i got home, and spotted the opened pregnancy test.  "babe.  you took a pregnancy test?"  it sounded like he was yelling.  my mom was downstairs waiting for me to come home so we could go shopping.  "shhhhh... " i whispered, tears in my eyes.  "it was positive?"  his eyes were wide and his smile couldn't hide the stunned look behind it.  i nodded, in a full on cry now.  matthew grabbed me and held me close, kissing my head and rubbing my back.  "it's okay babe."  i changed quickly and ran out the door, trying to hide the panic i was feeling rise through my whole body.  

i continued to cry for 2 days.  i thought it would be unfair to asher, i thought it would be too hard for me.  i wondered where we would get the money.  i wondered how i would survive being pregnant again.  i knew i would have to have another c-section, and with 2 babies to care for, i was panicky about the idea.  i started warming up to the idea when i saw matthew less panicked than i expected him to be.  and when he lovingly told me while he was holding me one night, "melinda, you don't get to be sad about this anymore."  i snapped out of it.  i felt joy.  because this was, after all, our dream.  we dreamed of a big family.  we dreamed of chubby fingers grasping our necks in hugs.  we dreamed of dirty faced kisses.  we dreamed of family walks, and trips to the zoo.  we dreamed of children growing up, growing old with our children surrounding us.  and there was a time, when we thought this dream would never be.  there was a time when we thought our dream would never come true.  there wasa time when we started to adjust our dreams, hiding those dreams deep down inside.  and then it happened.  then asher came.  and we were overjoyed; over blessed.  our dream came true.  and we thought he was our miracle baby.  we wondered if we would ever be able to do this again.  and here we were... just a few months later, and our dreams were laughing in our face.  our dreams were becoming a reality. 

and so we began to dream.  we began to think about how we would rearrange the baby room to make room for another little boy.  we thought about how we would decorate the guest room into a little girls room.  i thought about what we would do it was twin girls, or twin boys, or triplets.  we dreamed.  we hoped for a little boy, so he and asher could be best of buddies.  just 14 months apart, we knew they would be the best of buddies for their whole lifetime to come.  we wondered if it would be a girl, and how different that would be from our sweet and funny asher boy.  i forgot about my diet, that was actually working, i even bought a new pair of maternity shorts.  due to the lack of healing time, my tummy was growing fast and furiously.  i swear i could feel the baby moving already... but it was too soon.  i wasn't as tired as i was with asher, but i was home more, and could sleep more.  i was starving.  i was more hungry then i was with asher.  everything felt normal.  and we dreamed of this child just like we did the first time around.  we were excited, and depending on Christ, assuming He knows better then us.  

we told our parents and siblings.  they were shocked and excited, and reminded us that we could do it.  they began to dream with us.  i anxiously awaited that first pre-natal appointment, where i could spot that little peanut on the ultrasound screen, and hear that heartbeat for the first time.  i had no reason to think that anything was wrong.  one night i woke up in a sweat.  i was breathing heavy, i was panicking, and sad, and empty.  as i shot up in bed, eyes wide open; i realized it was just a dream.  i had dreamt that i had a miscarriage.  i prayed for peace and safety for baby and i, and i went back to sleep.  i knew it was just a dream.  

a couple weeks passed, and i continued along with life as usual.  i busted out the pregnancy books, and was following my pregnancy calendar online.  i loved the baby so much.  i thought about it growing inside of me... i thought about what it would be, how it would grow up, i wondered if it would have matthews redish hair, or my brown eyes.  we started looking for baby names.  we started looking for baby products that would work with our two small children.  i added more hours at work, so that we could make a few extra bucks before the baby come.  excitement and joy overcame the doubt and uncertainty.

two and a half weeks ago, i noticed a tiny bit of spotting.  the dr said not to worry and to watch it for 24 hours.  the online forums said this happens for some women for the entirety of their pregnancy.  but i knew.  the second i saw the spotting, i knew.  i tried to calm myself.  i tried to tell myself if the dr wasn't worried, i shouldn't be... but i knew at this first spot of tinged blood, that something was not right.  2 days later the spotting had not stopped, and i made an appointment that morning.  i just knew.  the dr saw me first, ultrasound was too busy to fit me in first.  she said everything looked good, my uterus was the size it should be for 10 weeks, my cervix was closed.  she talked to me about pregnancy again, and a little about the delivery.  she gave me a little hope.  the practitioner with her congratulated me as they left room.  i thought to myself, "you should really save the congratulations until after the ultrasound."  they rushed me into the ultrasound room where sweet colleen turned down the lights and with smiles looked at the screen.  the second i glanced over, i knew.  i had my first ultrasound with asher at 10 weeks... i knew exactly what we should see.  and i didn't see it.  i didn't see a peanut baby.  i didn't see a heartbeat.  i didn't see colleen smile.  my heart raced and my face turned hot.  tears stung in my eyes, fighting to break free.  she kept a calm face, and told me that we could just have the dates wrong... with my irregular cycles we could just be off by a couple weeks.  but i knew.  my heart was beating wildly.  the second she let me up from the table, i shot into the bathroom where i let the tears loose.  our baby was gone.  our miracle, our dream, our baby was gone.

the dr and nurses talked to me with hope, but i saw in their eyes that they had little themselves.  they drew my blood and told me to come back in a week.  i was numb.  i didn't say a word.  i knew what they were unwilling to tell me.  i raced into the elevator and out of the hospital as quick as i could.  as soon as i hit the other side of the door... i lost all composure.  i couldn't stop the tears.  it was pouring rain.  the skies were crying with me.  i closed the door to my car and sat.  i sat by myself and cried and prayed for half an hour, trying to regain enough composure to get myself to work.  i was already late... but it was hard to imagine putting on a brave face and going on with normal life.  it was hard to imagine how i would smile.  or how i would keep my tears back.  it was hard to imagine how life would continue...

i will finish later... this has left me drained.  thank you for your love and prayers!


  1. gina08:32

    oh...oh....prayers for you...love, hugs, and prayers...

  2. Oh Melinda...I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and your family. May you be surrounded by God's big arms full of love and peace beyond understanding. Sending heartfelt prayers and many hugs your way.

  3. Oh honey. I am so sorry. My words come with the knowing prayers of one who has been there.


  4. I am so sorry Melinda.

    Sending prayers your way.

  5. Anonymous20:02

    Went through the same thing- losing a baby we couldn't afford. Lots of guilt- but the healing resulted when everyone acknowledged that I had lost a BABY. Not just some tissue.

    Praying that the healing will begin even as the grieving continues.


  7. Dear Melinda,
    Please don't think me a stalker, as I truly am not. I do, however feel as though I know you a bit, as Matt's mom has become a dear friend through this crazy internet. I had not known about your blog, and just read about your loss.
    There are no words to to make this better, and maybe there shouldn't be. This is the time that we have to know that God is holding us. If love and prayers could make us feel better, you know that you would by now.
    As I have come to realize, again and again, we are not guaranteed happiness, but that's ok. Knowing that a loving God, who has our life as a tapestry already planned, is what we can live with. There are times we are in the darker part of that tapestry. But when it is complete, we will see the beauty that God had planned for us. The different colors and shades that he has carried us through.
    Please know that in telling you this, I am reminding myself. I need to do that. Thank you for allowing me to do that. I hope I am not being selfish.
    Please know that as I have wept this morning through your blog, I found strength in each word you wrote. For believing that there is something good that will come from this journey you are on, knowing that God is so big and loves us so much is a piece of the journey.
    Prayers will carry you on the days you feel that you cannot pray. (Donna reminded me of that)
    On this Easter Morning, please know that I am keeping you in mine.


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