and so his first christmas came and went...

i sit at my newly acquired desk chair today, amazed that asher's first 4 months have passed without notice.  in every way it feels like i gave him life yesterday.  in every way it feels like he has been a part of me forever.

and i am lost in a space in between where i am mourning the 4 months i have already lost with this baby boy, and remembering all the tiny little ways he is different from 4 months ago, rejoicing that he has become something else now.  i am mourning the thought of him growing another inch or gaining another pound, knowing that as he grows i will not be able to hold him while he sleeps, and he will need me less and less; rejoicing in seeing what he will become.

and in this space i am finding peace and solitude and love.  i am finding joy and meaning and tears of both happiness and sorrow.  in this space i am finding me. 

i am a wife.  i am a mother.  i love writing and watching trashy reality tv shows.  i hate winter weather and wish i could find myself in an eternal rotation of spring and autumn.  i love color and light, but mostly prefer to wear black.  i love to be outside soaking in the beauty of the earth, and will have to wait 4 months before the weather in omaha allows me to do so again.  i am simple, not fancy one bit; still loving diamonds, and thinking it would be exceptionally fun to own a fur, a pair of christian louboutin heels, and a louis vuitton purse.  i am a homebody, there is no place else i would rather be, except perhaps paris on a sunny spring day.  i love books and reading, and coffee shops.  i like wine and champagne well made margaritas and wheat beer, i can pass any thing else.  i like to cook and kind of enjoy cleaning.  i can stick my foot in my mouth, but have learned over the years to guard my tongue better than i have before.  i wish i was a better servant, but not enough to do something about it.  i am ashamed to admit my serious faults.  i need attention and love far more than i would like to admit, and find myself in despair when i am not getting enough.  i am who i am. and you know what... i kind of like me.

i am a mother who has found herself so completely in love with a blue eyed baby boy that i feel as if i might burst.  his perfect toes and his sweet chubby cheeks make me melt like putty in his tiny little hands.  he is beautiful, and i gave him life, and it doesn't matter that he loves his daddy more.  he is my reason for life right now.  i carried him in womb and hated every moment of it, i had my guts laid out on a table, so that he could take his first breath, and have yet to lose my baby tummy... but every second of agony and discomfort and uncertainty was worth it... to see his perfect face.  when i look at him i see love.  in holding him in my arms i have found me.  my life as i know it was forever changed, and i never want it to go back again.  all that matters is my family, all that matters is this tiny baby boy.

this christmas i had the best gift of all.  i had a husband who loves me, and provides for me in every way he can.  i had a baby who woke up just in time for me to open his carefully wrapped christmas gifts. he could have cared less about the packages inside, all he wanted was the love and attention of the family that surrounded him.  and he got just that.  and i got a perfect christmas morning with my baby boy, i had so much to be thankful for.

and in this space of inbetween i feel joy and happiness and peace, which i will use to soak up every moment i have in the present, knowing the time flashes by in an instant and the future holds too many unknowns.

picture taken by donna boucher.            


  1. Oh, what a precious photo. Is the bottom one from Donna, or are you a great photographer as well? Your way of writing speaks directly to my heart. I am not a mother yet; but I hope to one day be. Reading your real, raw and true testimony of what motherhood is like, for someone close in age to me, it makes me feel like I can do it. Like I can handle it. I hope 2011 is full of happiness and blessings for you and your family.

  2. laura,

    donna took the picture. it really pays to have a photographer for a mother in law!

    thank you so much for stopping by. being a mom is bar far the best thing i have ever done. messy and challenging and draining, but so fulfilling. there is nothing better.

    wishing you blessing and joy in your journey!

  3. Beautiful, Minna! Just beautiful- love and miss you all so much, maybe I'll come see you when it warms up out there;)

  4. Anonymous19:39

    You have dreamed, since you were way to young to even have a clue what it meant, of being a mother......and now you know what that means. There is NOTHING in the world like being a mother and I am so happy that you have gotten to experience this. You are a wonderful mother and I know that Asher doesn't love his daddy more.....he loves both of you, I have seen his reactions to you both.....he KNOWS who his parents are and who loves him so. -- mom

  5. Beautifully written post! A Christmas you won't ever forget. :)

  6. Anonymous02:56

    daughter, God has given you a wonderful gift for writing. do not stop. Your grandpa would be so proud of you. Your word pictures burst open like a rose after a warm spring rain. Keep writing for His glory.

  7. Karen F.19:14

    I am teary eyed Melinda........such a touching post. Glad you're back.

  8. You pretty much wrapped up motherhood in a nutshell. And he is such a beautiful boy. You are truly blessed.


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