clarity...

"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."
George Falconer, A Single Man

i watched this movie sunday, and i liked it.  i thought it viewed like a well written novel reads.  i loved this quote.  i loved this quote, because this is how i feel.

*spoiler alert* in the movie, he wakes up and is going about his day planning on killing himself that night... he is sad and pensive and thoughtful.  throughout the day he has interactions with people that brighten his day.  the movie is shot in dull colors, almost grey, and when he has these moments of clarity... the colors brighten, the light glows.  these moments of clarity carry him through.  and in the end he does not kill himself.  while he can't make the moments last... he can make them last long enough to carry him through another day. 

i do not start each day wanting to kill myself, in fact i have never started any day wanting to kill myself... but i think anyone can relate to looking around them and wondering what got them there.  anyone can relate to feeling sad, and sometimes lost.  but there are those moments of complete clarity where the sun brightens, and you remember that this is life.  you remember this is what it is supposed to be.  you remember happiness, or even sadness, but you remember.  you feel.  and it makes it more bearable.  and these moments carry you through.  it is these tiny moment of clarity that make life, life.


when asher is waking up, crying and screaming, that moment when he looks up at me and sees my face, and for just a moment smiles, grins, is happy to see his mama, before he starts crying again... that moment. clarity.

the look of satisfaction, euphoria, on the face of ones i love when trying a new recipe i just made for the first time... that moment. clarity.

the warm sun and cool autumn breeze greeting me the moment i open the door in the morning... that moment. clarity.

the sound of an explosive laugh in response to one of my, rarely funny, jokes... that moment.  clarity.

the look in matthew's eyes after i have been away from him all day.  the look that says he missed me, he loves me, he wants me by his side, he needs me...  that moment.  clarity.

matthew coming home from work, picking up his son and giving him a kiss and not being able to look away from his eyes, the pure love and joy that baby evokes from him... that moment. clarity.

a piece of art that makes you feel, feel so much you can't help but cry, or laugh, or emote no matter who is watching...  that moment.  clarity.

the sideways glance of a stranger in the grocery store, smiling at you as if your life must be nearly perfect, and how happy you must be...  that moment.  clarity.

the radio playing a song that so clearly conveys what you are feeling, in the exact moment you are feeling it... that moment.  clarity.

a hug, a kiss, the gentle touch of a hand.  a cool busy swimming pool in the midst of a hot summer day.  a warm cup of hot chocolate in the middle of swirling snow.  a phone call from an old friend, out of the blue.  knowing you just took the perfect picture, without even having to look at it.  falling backward into a pile of freshly raked leaves.  making a snow angel.  turning the final page of a good book. sitting next to the one you love.  these moments.  clarity.

relationships, friends, family. clarity.

christmas morning, fireworks, a new purse and shoes.  clarity.


life is more than work, and mortgage payments, and yard work, and bank accounts.  it is more than stress about finances, or the future, or school.  life is not just strained relationships, and sadness, and confusion.  life is so much more than that.

it's the little moments in life that make life worth while, it's the little moments in life that remind you to feel, remind you to be happy, remind you that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and everything is exactly as it is meant to be.

love and friendship and faith and family... little moments reminding you of all of these... clarity.