what could have been...

as i little girl i dreamed of being so many things when i grew up...

a doctor, a teacher, a writer, a mom, a wife, a social worker, a school counselor, a therapist, a public speaker, a singer, an actor, even a house cleaner. a lawyer, a secretary, a journalist, a cop, a detective, an artist, a business owner. i dreamed of being a hundred differnt things, at a hundred different times in my life.

and usually i still think of life in terms of "what i want to be when i grow up"

but today i am realizing... i am grown up. this is what i am going to be when i grow up. i am a grown up.

and i keep thinking about what i could have been. about what i should have become. about all the hundreds of things i had the opportunity to be.

and i think of my parents who always told me i could be anything i wanted to be. who gave me every opportunity, and encouraged me to be the best that i could be. and i wonder if i lived up to what they thought i would become.

i wonder if i am who they thought i would be.

and i love my life. i am happy. i have a family who loves me, and a husband who takes care of me, and i have a house, and books to read, and wine to drink, and a couple of friends. i have enough blankets in my closet for a small army, and have i ever told you i have a pink kitchenaid mixer? cause i do, and it is perfection.

but i have no college degree. and i go to a job that gives me a paycheck, but no sense of accomplishment... and sometimes i wonder, what if...

what if i became what i wanted to be. what if instead of waking up at 5:30, i could sleep in a little bit and wake up after the sun comes up? if i could wake up, and eat a hot breakfast, and work out, and shower and put on my sweats. i could write, and nap, and read, and write, and run errands, and meet with important people over the phone or on the internet, and write, and blog, and bake cookies, and clean the house, and make dinner for my husband when he comes home.

what if i went back to school and finished my degree and got a job in a school working with youth everyday. i could wake up and go to work, and feel like i was doing something. feel like i had finished something, like i accomplished something worth while. and in the summers, i could write, and read, and travel, and serve. i could go back to romania, i could rest and relax and recoup. i could serve and act and be.

what if i could have the things i planned and dreamed for as well as the things i did not. what if i could have that job that i always wanted "when i grow up", and have this simple everyday life with the man who loves me even when i don't love myself.

and if i had to choose one or the other, i choose the later. i choose matthew and this life over the unknown, over the dream. because this is real. and this was the biggest part of the dream. being in love, being a family.

but when it comes to my job, it is just so easy to what if...

what if...

so tell me...

1. when you were young, what did you want to be when you "grew up"?
2. what are you, now that you are grown up?
3. do you regret what you have become, or what you have not become?
4. what do you do to fight off a case of the "if only's"?
5. what the heck are you doing this weekend? because it is FRIDAY folks!


  1. gina06:19

    Wanted to be an actress, am now a college professor.

    I am an actress every single day. Just not on the stage I wanted it to be on. Every class is showtime :)

    I don't deal with "if only's". If I want something bad enough - I will do it. I need a life of no (or little) regrets.

    Here's the thing: This weekend, I'll be grading papers...

    If you think you'll regret not going back to school - GO BACK! You'll be an amazing teacher! You'll be making a difference every single day! And your students will love you :)

    Don't think "New house, no money, no time"....
    (I know - 'cause I think it all the time!)

    Just do it!

  2. You are very young. Every day is a new day to change your life if you really want to.

    Say it takes two years to accomplish....

    Look how fast the first two years of your marriage have flown!

    Two years of hard, hard work in school will bring you 20 years of happiness at work.

    I know Matthew will support you and love you no matter what you do.
    Us too.

    But it is your choice.

    How much do you want it? It is worth the pain?

    Perhaps not. Only you know.

    Love you just the way you are....
    But dang...we sure think you are smart.

  3. I wanted to be a writer or an English teacher. I'm neither. But I still plan to be one day. And not just one, but both.

  4. 1. when you were young, what did you want to be when you "grew up"? -I wanted to be my mom! Seriously, she's the most wonderful person I know...still want to be her :D

    2. what are you, now that you are grown up? Um...44 isn't all that grown up is it? I'm a wife, daughter, aunt to five fantabulous youngsters, sister, bestest friend and office manager....that works yes?

    3. do you regret what you have become, or what you have not become? I, like just about everyone out there, didn't make all the best choices but every one of them made me who I am and with
    God's Grace and lots of patience I've settled into my life and it is filled with love and laughter.

    4. what do you do to fight off a case of the "if only's"? Strangely enough, once I hit forty...the "if only's" changed into two different things...one is "just wait until" and the other is "Let Go and Let God!"

    5. what the heck are you doing this weekend? NOT coming into the office. And hoping that you and yours have a blessed weekend! Keep posting...I now follow you, Quiet Life and Pioneer Woman...feels like family!
    because it is FRIDAY folks!

  5. one of the phrases that haunts me [i think i might have said this before, but here i go again] is....

    I am not what I once was becoming

    I've been trying to finish the song... but it's not done yet. I suppose that when life intersects with our passions, none of us really are what we once were becoming - as passion for Christ turns to a lifelong journey with him... you know, some of the flames shrink from time to time. i'm praying for a fanning of the flame for me so that i will one day becoming what i once was becoming in Him, you know?

    yeah. i think you know. :)

  6. Anonymous11:21

    Being suddenly thrust into single parenthood, I entered college for the first time at age 31! God opened a door for me to get my education, my four children provided incentive, my parents encouraged me, my friends stood behind me, and now I spend my days in a classroom with amazing 6th graders.

    That was almost 30 years ago and I don't regret my decision. I am wealthy beyond imagination with riches that will extend into eternity, not numbers that a bank account reflect.

    Yesterday I head a remark on radio with which I whole-heartedly agree. "Use the gift God has given you and let Him shine through that gift." I'm not a good teacher because of my methods and curriculum. I am a good teacher because He shines through the gift He gave me. It is not with conceit I say I'm a good teacher. It is with praise and thanksgiving to the Giver of all good and perfect gifts.

    He will show you what He desires of you and because you are who you are, you will hear Him.

    Blessings to you ~ Mamie

  7. Anonymous13:00

    Melinda - I love your blog...but, I have fifty year old eyes and the pink on green is really hard for old eyes to read.

  8. Anonymous17:58

    Melinda Sue - I will agree with the previous response -- I love your blog but it is hard for me to read, also. Tired eyes. Aren't you glad to know you have all age groups here? Keep us the good work. You have a very unique writing style and I love it!

  9. steph, i get you girl. you are my soul mate.

  10. thank you all for advice, and for sharing so much of yourselves with me. this place is the beast... i mean the best.

  11. I love your wonderful, stylish, cute blog design!!!

  12. ps - if i had trouble reading in the past, i just enlarged the font on my end. it was no biggie. :)


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