nightmares, daydreams, and horror flicks...

driving alone at night, my thoughts resemble a horror movie (not the kind of just gruesome, make you want to close your eyes, and puke kind... but the thrilling, keep you on the edge of your seat, actually have a plot kind-- the scary kind, not the gross kind).

i have always had an active imagination. i have always been a dreamer. but late at night, by myself, my dreams really take on a whole new form.

and it scares me.

and i cry.

but it's like i can't close the curtains to my minds eye. the pictures keep coming. the thought keep creeping. my mind races into a million different scenarios. horrible, terrorizing, mind numbing, heartbreaking scenarios.

nearly every time i am in the car by myself after dark, i have the same horrible nightmare, or daydream, or daymare... i don't know. i have been having it for years, for as long as i have been about at night alone my myself. it goes like this: i drive home from my eventful evening (who am i kidding, usually i am babysitting), happy as a lark (in real life i am just tired and trying to keep my eyes open), innocent and airy. i pull up to my house and notice the front door is hanging slightly open (of course, in the movies it is always slightly opened) i call out to my family as i try to turn on the lights. no one responds. so i continue to walk gingerly up the stairs. instantly things don't look right. things are strewn about, and then there it is... a limp hand on the floor. and that is all i can write. because it is too scary.

long story, short; my nightmare, my day dream, my daymare consists of me walking into my house to find my family all dead. from that point it can change. i am either wrongly accused of their murder, and my dream turns into a drama... i go crazy and end up in the loony bin, another kind of drama. the criminal is still in the house and then begins the fight for my own life (don't worry i always win), and my dream is a thriller.

when i was a little girl i had terrible nightmares. horrifying, terrifying, sleep disrupting dreams. like i still don't like to talk about them, they are so horrible. i can still remember many of them to this day. and when i would wake up drenched in sweat, screaming, crying, and shaking; my parents mom and dad would both be there. with a cool cloth, a glass of water, a song, a prayer, and arms to wrap around me. a cool cloth can solve a world of problems. i don't know a wrong that can't be righted by the comforting arms of your mom (no matter how old you are). my parents started praying with me at bed time that "God (would) give me good dreams, and help me sleep good." and that God would keep me and watch over me. every day the dreams got a little better, until they eventually dissipated. and on that rare night when i would wake up crying, my mom would be there to pray with me again, and sing amazing grace until i fell asleep again, safe in her arms, and God's care.
bedtime stories by pino

when i babysit, i pray the same things with my kids. they have nightmares (not nearly as scary as mine were, sometimes when they tell me their dreams, i think, "seriously, that is why you insist on leaving every light on this side of the house on? you have no idea..." and then i feel guilty for being heartless, and having no soul and i cuddle them and pray for them, and leave the light on anyway) and i am sure i will pray that with my kids in the years to come. and when the nightmares, or daydreams, or daymares come now, i try to do the same. i pray. "Lord give me peace in my heart, fill my heart and mind and soul with You. give evil no foothold over me." and i turn the radio to klove and i sing at the top of lungs, and try not to take my eyes off the road. i think it wards off the bad men hiding in the corn fields. and i remember those days when i was so young, and i feel like i am a little girl again.

and i cry, and i cry, and i sob at the thought of my dreams coming true. and i get a little jumpy, and i get really really scared. and i wonder if i am the only adult in the world who has these silly daymares, and if i am the only girl who cries and cries and sobs in the car at thoughts that seem so real, and are likely never to happen in real life.

and that is what my mind thinks of alone in my car late at night.

that, or smooching my husband when i get home. one or the other.


  1. ps... holly, i have been trying to leave you a comment for 3 days... it won't let me. i don't know why.

  2. You poor thing Melinda! I think it is wired into most women to have an overactive imagination about things like this. I used to have similar nightmares when it was just my hubby and myself. Now that I have children, it is so much worse! :( I think it's because it's our biggest fear in the lose the ones we love the most.

    When it happens I try to pray and ask God to give me peace, but oh my...the thought of losing them is just too horrible to even think about. Apparently I just save it all up for when I'm sleeping and can have nightmares about it instead!

  3. My eldest daughter was 5 or so before the nightly terrors started fading away. To this day, she is still my most worrisome kiddo.

    What a blessing your bad dreams have turned out to be for the kids you care for! You know that fear and even when you have a hard time sympathizing, you know how to comfort them. With God, nothing is wasted. :)

  4. you are not the only one. i have horrible, graphic, terrifying image dreams of things happening to my children.

    and i immediately begin to pray:

    Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy on Me

    as I breathe.... it's a reminder of His presence, His protection, His PURPOSE for me and my family. And then I can sleep. I know how you feel.


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