change me... numero dos
this is me in november of 2004, also known as the then picture. (i can not bare to post the now picture...my issue, not yours) i was at the end of a six month mission internship in europe. i was also at the end of about a 70 pound weight loss. i was not trying to lose weight. however, in the six months i lived in france and romania i dropped 70 pounds. 70 pounds in 6 months. i have spent hours, days, months, years thinking about how i did it. and the truth is i don't really know. i give credit to relying on public transportation, and bikes to get around, the more natural food on the shelves in supermarkets in europe, and nerves... i was sick, nervous, unsure, and my stomach and intestines felt the nerves, nearly everyday. i still drank coke everyday, ate chocolate everyday, and mcdonalds once a week. i don't know what i did, but i did it. when i got off the airplane, my pants barely hanging on even with my belt cinched tighter than any old man i have ever seen, i felt incredible. i felt confident, i felt beautiful, i felt new. i felt like i had never felt in my life, even with barely hanging on pants, and clothes that i had worn for 6 months and were now threadbare, thin, and holy. i was nervous to see people i hadn't seen in forever. nervous because i knew the stares and comments and praises would come. it made me a little sick to my stomach. but i was also filled with excitement, and the attention was a different kind of attention than i was used to. it felt good. i quickly made promises to myself that i would never go back to the girl i was. i hated that person, i wouldn't do that to myself. for 3 years i only gained 15 pounds back. in the last 2 i gained back the rest. with the weight came the feelings of failure and shame, self consciousness and regret. quickly i became someone i didn't even know anymore, and i can hardly recognize that girl from 5 years ago now. i am not the same girl i was 5 years ago, and i will never be that girl again... 5 years have passed. i am now married, i am a wife. i work full time, go to school no time. i have more debt and more responsibility. i have few friends, few acquaintances. i am no longer 21. i also have shame, regret, failure, and very little confidence. and today... i say enough. i miss that girl 5 years ago. and while i can never be that girl again... i want to feel now how that girl felt then. so i did something. i joined weight watchers online. free for a week... and i am putting it out there in cyber blog world for all to see. not that anyone will see it, becuase no one knows i exist. i want to find myself again, i want to feel good again, i want to be beautiful for my husband, i want to be confident, i want to be me. i want to be me. so here's to finding me again. by blogging, and by weight watchers... i will find me again.
You can do it Melinda.ReplyDelete
You can. Document it all and it will be your book.
Your book about finding yourself.
I love the you who you are right now.
and I look forward to the day that YOU can love how your feel again.
You are beloved whether you know it or not.
I love that Paris pictue. You should have that printed really large as joyful inspiration!
you are the best. thank you donna.ReplyDelete
Visiting from Donna's blog...ReplyDelete
I can so relate to what you shared here. Thank you for sharing it. Wishing you joy and success and peace on your journey.
My oldest daughter went to live in Croatia for 5 months to help a missionary couple with their children while they learned the language. So basically she was a nanny but she lived in an apartment with two other girls. She absolutely loved it! She is a very thin girl and she actually gained some weight while there. The Croatian food must be greasier than the rest of Europe. She quickly got rid of the weight after she came home. I'm the one who needs to lose 20 lbs.ReplyDelete
junebug, the other two girls i was with gaiend weight while we were there, but they also shoved pastries in their mouth everyday. luckily i am not a fan of the pastry.ReplyDelete
heasleye, thanks for coming by. what woman can't relate to this on some level... sometimes i wonder if it just how God wired us.ReplyDelete