new baby smell...
matthew and i have been married for 4 years today.
4 years ago this moment, i was all a flutter in the basement of the church getting my hair done and praying i could squeeze into my wedding dress.
4 years ago today, we were not parents.
4 years ago today we couldn't wait to be husband and wife.
4 years ago today, feels like a lifetime ago.
everyone says that the first year of marriage is so hard. i expected it to be unbearable by what people said. our first year was difficult, i sometimes questioned what in the world i got myself into. 4 years later... i still do. i think 25 years from now i will still. marriage, and then motherhood, has been the most rewarding and the most challenging thing i have ever done in my life. and this last year has been the most difficult of all.
our 3rd anniversary was spent in prepared childbirth class watching a video of live birth. matthew was only minimally traumatized, but we still vowed to not spend an anniversary doing that again.
i spent the next months being bloated, swollen, uncomfortable, and cranky.
then came the end of august. early morning august 30th my water broke, afternoon august 31st we finally gave in and had a c-section. our lives were forever changed. we were no longer just husband and wife. we were parents. mommy and daddy.
for 8 weeks i recovered from surgery while holding a baby in my arms and leaking breast milk on every piece of clothing that fit me. i tried everything in my power to not have to go to back to work. i gave in after 8 weeks and went back part time, determined to find another alternative. matthew plugged away at his job more determination filling him to succeed than every before.
8 weeks later, i added more hours at work, desperately poor and desperately missing my baby. i took every ounce of frustration and despair out on matthew. he took it in strides.
several weeks later we found out we were pregnant again. i was freaked. matthew was sure. he held my hand while my heart palpitated. we planned, we dreamed, we grew together. the first few months as parents didn't seem so bad now. there were bigger things.
before we knew it, but after we allowed ourselves to dream, the moment came, and no heartbeat was found. he held me while i cried, he prayed with me when i asked. our lives had been forever changed. this time we would not be able to hold our baby. this time our dreams wouldn't come true.
money got tighter, our schedules got busier, life went marching on despite my grief. and the new
money got even tighter, our schedules got even busier, and life began to feel like it was coming to a screeching halt. we continued to take our stress out on each other, we still neglected to pray when we should.
and here we are, a whole year later, 4 years after we tied the knot, and we haven't given up yet. this third year was much harder than the first. this third year could have done us in. this third year has taught me a lot about who i am, about who i would like to be. it has taught me a lot about who is matthew is, and what he is not, and what we should be together. marriage is a constant lesson, a constant growing experience, a constant headache, and a constant blessing.
without matthew this year, i surely wouldn't have made it. i would have lost my mind, i would have fallen in a hole, i would have cried a million tears and no one to catch them, i wouldn't know who i was or where i belonged.
matthew is my constant. he is my best friend. he is the love of my life. he keeps me sane, he keeps me grounded. he loves me no matter the growth or loss in the size of my ass. he is the only man who would ever put up with my crap day in and day out.
and this year, we made it! we made it yet another year. as the new baby smell wore off and real life ensued, we continued. and in marriage, making it another year is more than just making it. in marriage, making it another year is everything.
matthew, thank you for being everything to me. i love you. forever and for always. i choose you.