prayer, writing, and feeling better...
there have been times in my life where prayers have been answered, and times where they have not. this last month we have experienced one of the times when he did not. we prayed for our baby to be healthy, we prayed for me to be healthy. we prayed that God would prepare us to be parents again. we also prayed that His will be done. His will was done, in a way that we did not expect, and with it came a lot of pain, and lack of understanding. why did He not answer our prayers? why did He not give us our dream? why did He make us go through the pain? and with all that pain and confusion, more praying ensued. we prayed for healing, we prayed for strength. we prayed for comfort and peace. we continued to pray, because we still trusted in a God who answers prayers, even if they are answered not how we would have desired. we continued to pray because we did not know what else to do. and as we prayed... others prayed with us. and i could feel every prayer warm my soul. i could hear every word whispered into heaven, whispered into my heart. i believe in the power of prayer. i believe in the power of communion of believers. i believe in a God who is bigger than me.
thank you for praying for matthew, and for me, and for asher. i can feel every word, i can feel every prayer, and day by day... life is becoming normal again.
for 2 weeks, i was wading in the depths. i waded and i wallowed and i cried. then i woke up one day... and i just had to write it. i just had to share it. there is something inside of me that needs to document. there is something inside of me that needs to share with family and friends, and with complete strangers. there is something inside of me that needs to write. i once heard lauren winner speak at a conference. actually my parents heard lauren winner speak at a conference and bought me the cd of the event because they thought i needed to hear it... and i did. and i sitll listen to that cd some days in the car. because it encourages me, and touches me and brings me to tears at the thought of losing my dream, losing my pen and page. she says something in there, that i can not remember the exact quote, but she says something along the lines of the need to express yourself through writing is a need that everyone has inside of them on some level. she believes that writing is not just a hobby or a desire, but that it is needed to fulfill your purpose. it is needed in order to fulfill your life spiritually and emotionally. and in my own life... i find this to be so true. in writing, we can find ourselves, in writing we can have conversations and thoughts that you would never have out loud. in writing you can see and feel and and think thoughts that you would not want to have out loud. you can wonder and you can search, you can find. and last week, when i woke up, i just needed to write. i needed to share. and in writing i found solace, in writing i found comfort. in putting my thoughts and feelings and my story on paper i found a tiny bit of healing i had been missing before then. in writing, i found what i needed. in writing i found hope. i also found a group of women who loved me and prayed for me. i found a friend. i found understanding. and for that i am grateful. i am blessed.
and so the healing continues. and so the pain subsides, with you all by my side. thank you.
it's hard to not find joy in my family. my husband. my beautiful baby.
and really... look at this face. who couldn't find joy in that face? there is joy found all around, surrounding me every moment of everyday.