absent... part three...
continued from yesterday...
i somehow managed to suck it up at work. alone in the car, or on trips to the bathroom, i couldn't help the tears. a couple times at my desk, a tear trickled down, but still... i made it. i traveled home that evening, numb. i walked in the door welcomed by matthew's embrace. he held me while i cried and stroked my head. i spewed my worries and my concerns and my the loss of my dreams at him. and he sat. he listened. he took it all in. he apologized for me having to go through this. knowing it was neither of our faults, we just sat together the rest of the night. and as we fell asleep, matthew's arms wrapped tightly around me as he whispered prayers into the heavens and i silently wept myself to sleep. my hope was all but lost.
the call came around noon the next day. i listened in the bathroom stall, expecting the message from the doctor to bring me to tears. she explained my hormone levels were that of a 10 week pregnancy, at a point where we should be able to see a heartbeat. she said with nearly 100% certainty that i could expect the actual act of miscarriage in the next week. it appeared that baby had died a couple weeks ago, and my body still thought it was pregnant. she expected that to change sometime soon. she asked me to keep my appointment for next week, and call her if i experienced any heavy bleeding or cramping. the lump in my throat consumed my breathing. the tears fought my eyes. i sat on that potty in that first stall, and i wept. i left a message for matthew, and my mom and i started out the door to try to live a normal existence for the next week, knowing i was carrying a dead baby inside of me. knowing at any moment my body would realize i was no longer pregnant. that was two weeks ago today.
that weekend, i sat and waited. i sat and cried. i sat and watched movies, and played with asher, but i didn't do anything else. i didn't go grocery shopping. i didn't clean the house. i didn't help matthew trim the hedges. i didn't cook. i didn't do the dishes. i didn't do laundry. i just sat. i waited. i cried. i mourned. i didn't return phone calls. i didn't want to talk about it. i googled miscarriages; i read story after story. i thought i knew what to expect... i just didn't know when to expect it. i mentioned that i could prepare myself emotionally for this to come, but physically i could not... i did not know when or what to expect.
monday i got up and ready for work. i couldn't just sit home and wait for it happen... what if i waited all week and it didn't happen. i decided i would tell the owner what was going on, so if i called in in the next week, she would know why. i thought maybe she would understand. work was hell. i busied myself with work and clients and trucks and permits. but i couldn't hide the feling of anticipation, expectiation, i couldn't hide the feeling of wanting to get this over with so i could put it behind me. i couldn't hide the feelings of dread and worry and sorrow. around 4:30, i felt the first twinge of pain... i ran to the bathroom, and sure enough... i knew now. it was starting. i wrapped up what i was working on at work, and ran out the door a half an hour early with a call to matthew telling him i was on my way home. when he asked why i was leaving early, i snapped at him. then i i apologized through tears. this was going to be harder than i thought.
the physical act of miscarriage was not anything i could have been prepared for. if anyone wants to hear about it, i will share it with you... but i don' think i should write about it here for all the world to see, whether they are ready or not. what i can say is this... i did not want to be left alone. i was scared of would happen if i was. i could not control in one tiny bit what was happening in my body. it hurt. it was disgusting. we thought i might have to go the emergency room, so i called my mom and told her we would like her to come over now, in case we needed to go later. i maybe should have gone... but i didn't. for 8 hours i laid on my couch watching anne of green gables with matthew and my mom sitting beside me, supporting me. every 20 minutes i would run to the bathroom, every 30 minutes i would let a tear slip by. by 1:00am, the worst was over, and i told my mom she could go home. i was exhausted and emotionally spent... i crawled into bed, on top of old towels, and asked matthew if he would stay home with me tomorrow. he wrapped me in his arms and kissed my head. and i tried to sleep. i tossed and turned and tried to sleep night. i felt both relieved that this was over, and empty and sad.
the pain and bleeding continued heavy for the next 2 days, and light for the next week and a half. i went to the doctor to make sure everything was okay, and will go back in another week to make sure again.
matthew has been the best husband anyone could ever hope for. he has prayed with me. he has laid with me. he has caught as many of my tears as he possible could. he has held me; and he has tried to give me hope again. i don't deserve how wonderful he is to me. i don't deserve the kind of man God gave to me.
i have cried a million tears. i have felt despair that i never expected. i have felt guilt and remorse and wondered what i could have done. i have felt loss and tragedy and total loss of control. i have never felt so empty. so hollow. so absent.
we wonder if asher really is our miracle baby. we wonder if we will have to experience this a dozen more times. we wonder when we will have strength to try this again.
i will always wonder. i will always hurt from this loss. i never got to hold my baby. i never got to see his or her face. i never had the chance to give it a name. i never got to smother it with hugs, or give it a million kisses. i never got to rock it so sleep long after daddy had already gone to bed. i never got to see what funny faces they would make, or know what their favorite food is. i will never know what he looked like, i will never know if she looked nothing like her big brother. i will never know what she could have been. i will never get to see what he becomes, what he grows into. i will never get to hold my baby. i will never get to see their face. i will never get to send them off to school, i will never get to sing to them when they're sick, or read them their favorite book. i will never know what it was like to have two babies 14 months apart. i will always feel like there is gap in our family, and empty spot where another baby should be. my baby is absent from my life, and i feel absent from my own.
i wonder how long the grief will stay. i wonder when i will be able to think of it, or talk of it, or write about it without weeping. i wonder when the hopelessness and sadness and emptiness will begin to fade. i wonder when the night will come when i do not cry myself to sleep, when matthew does not have to catch my tears on his chest. i wonder when the day will come, when i feel whole again.
the only thing that brings me joy is my family here. my hardworking matthew, so willing to be my rock. my asher. asher's smiling face and silly antics. his love for bananas and oatmeal with cinnamon. his army crawl all the way across the room, to find his mommy or his daddy or that rogue piece of paper. that is where my joy is found these days.
and i find hope in a God who is bigger than me, who is holding me in His arms. i find hope in a God who is bigger than me, who is holding my baby in His arms. i find hope in tomorrow, hope in this experience, because i refuse to believe that we have gone through this in vain. there must be a reason, there must be a hope, there must be a joy, buried inside of all this pain.
and as this pain ceases, i will covet your prayers. thank you all for your love and support and hugs sent from miles away. thank you for your prayers.
My heart aches for you, Melinda. Thank you for sharing and know you are, and will continue to be, in my deepest prayers and thoughts. And, you DO deserve Matthew. You are a beautiful couple brought together by God. I'm in awe of your strength and vulnerability. God loves you and so do I! :)ReplyDelete
Sending love, and tears, and prayers from someone who has been there and did not handle it with as much grace as you seem to be doing. You will find in the next few weeks that you now belong to a very large club who pay too much for membership. But they will be your strength. We do understand, though we also know that everyone feels it in their own way. Love you.ReplyDelete
While no one wants to go through what you have, please know there is a camaraderie among those of us who have.ReplyDelete
You will be in my prayers.
Bridget in Minnesota
When we say our daily prayers we always ask God to bless you, Matthew and Asher and have done so since we first knew about you being pregnant with Asher. You will stay in our prayers and we will pray for healing for you. After a miscarriage we went on to have two healthy and wonderful sons. Please know you are loved and supported from those who know from experience that God answers prayer.ReplyDelete
Love and prayers,
More hugs, and prayers....ReplyDelete
You writing this is so important. Love to you.
Going through a miscarriage the way you did is the worst thing, in my opinion. I did it many, many years ago while my husband was on a business trip.ReplyDelete
Let yourself grieve as long as you need to. Sending up prayers for you today.
Melinda, I do not know you and you do not know me. But, as I sit here, reading your blog, I cry. I weep for you, for your husband, your beautiful son and for your unborn baby. God knows exactly what He is doing. There is a reason for everything and even though it may not make any sense now, one day, you will look back and realize what God's plans were. Put all your trust and faith in Him. Give yourself time to heal. One day, the Lord will bless you and your husband with more children...who knows...maybe twins! Thank you for sharing your story. I could never imagine going through what you've gone through, but just know how many people are praying for you. God Bless You and your family!ReplyDelete
I pray that God will bring you peace and healing during this incredibly difficult time. Hugs to youReplyDelete
I'm so sorry for yours and Matthew's and Asher's loss, Melinda. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I pray God will surround you with His love and hope. Thank you for sharing with us and I will be praying.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry, Melinda. I truly understand what you are going through, having been through it myself & watching my daughter & daughter-in-laws all go through it.ReplyDelete
Just praying that the Lord gives great comfort at this time.
The thing that gives me peace is that I remember - I never got to hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart.
Dear Melinda Sue,ReplyDelete
In september 2001 (...), I was pregnant of my second baby. One month of pregnancy. And the tragedy of twin towers happened. Honestly, I don't know if it had an impact on me, physically, I mean. But, I have cried thousand of tears at this time, watching the TV and all happened to your country. I was repeating to my husband, crying "He will be a sad baby, because I can't stop crying". Till my husband has decided I couldn't watch the TV anymore !
I have lost this baby.
One week after, I was exactly as you : with a ... dead baby in my stomach. Dead for sure but who didn't want to leave me.
Strange feeling ...
In november, I had a surgery to make him leave. The nurses told me to wait for having another baby, 3 months to wait, just to be sure that my womb would be ready to have another baby.
In december, I was pregnant another time !! I was terrified to lose this baby again and I have spent the entire pregnancy with this feeling. Each time, my stomach hurted, it was for sure, the loose of my baby !!!...
This year, in 2002, Marie Lou is born in september 12th, a thursday ... One year and one day after "my september 11th's baby"...
My father told me : "Ouahou ! She didn't have the choice ! She had to came on this world between september 11th and friday 13th !!! She will be a positive baby".
And that's what she is.
So, don't give up, Melinda. Things are like that, sometimes...
I say to myself that this lost baby was not strong enough to survive. That's nature's law. And if he had survived, Marie Lou wouldn't be with us know.
You, you believe on God. Be sure that there's a reason for each thing.
Very very friendly,
Axelle, I think you are WONDERFUL. Melinda, I love you and I am praying.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Stephseef ;)ReplyDelete
My heart and prayers go out to you and Matthew and both your families. I truly feel you and Matthew will have your large family you've always desired. God will not allow the love that you both have to give go wasted. I think sometimes God presents us with challenges and they hurt and make us weep but in the end he helps us achieve our goals and has a reason for everything he does. May God help you heal in this time of hurt.ReplyDelete
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." marilyn monroe
"God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, He will give you strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out." 1 Corinthians 10:13
I don't know you, you don't know me.....but I sat at my desk last week reading these last couple of entries and was feeling so sad for you and your family.
These entries are so beautifully written, you have a very special gift.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've been there. It is so heart-wrenching, it's unreal. Hang in there; that's the best I can offer. Kiss Asher, hug Matthew, be kind to yourself. If you need someone who KNOWS what it feels like, please email me. Please.