for fear of appearing a fool...

for fear of appearing a fool, i keep a lot in.

there is a lot i don't tell people.  there is a lot i don't allow myself to dream.  there is a lot i don't allow myself to feel.

past hurts, past let downs, failed attempts, fear, doubt, uncertainty, they are all there to remind me to not try, to not dream, to not feel.  there is a voice inside my head whispering to me that it will never happen, that it won't feel like you think it will, that you will be let down, and hurt, and lost.  the voice whispers lies and untruth.  but it also whispers memories of those past experiences.  and with those memories of past experiences, past hurts, past failures, past disappointments, comes a reluctance to try again.  fear and doubt and uncertainty creep in.  so instead of allowing myself to dream, allowing myself to feel, i push it down.  it stays hidden in my heart, burning, burning til it hurts, but it stays hidden. 

there are things i feel that i don't share with anyone.  there are dreams i have my husband doesn't know.  because if he knew i had those dreams, he would know when i never accomplished them.  and i would be the fool.  i don't like to be the fool.  i don't like to be the failure.  so, in my 27 years on this earth, i have hidden a lot of who i am.  feelings, dreams, aspirations... i keep them buried deep inside so no one else knows. 

the other day, sitting in my car, in the church parking lot, pumping, a song began to play on my zune.  one i hadn't heard in a log time, and when i heard the lyrics, i lost it.  it's not an especially moving song, it isn't a lovely melody that brings tears to your eyes.  but the words cut me deep.
 

"Carve Your Heart Out Yourself"
Dashboard Confessional


Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

But I'm not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay, I will stay, I will stay


who am i?  what is it, why do i lie about the dreams i have?  why do i wish that i had never dreamt?

the fences i build around my dreams, the burying i do of my feelings, it doesn't keep the pain away.  It doesn't stop the hurt, and the disappointment... the trying times just come come in another form.  in my 27 years, i know this to be true.  you can not keep yourself from pain.  you can not keep yourself from hurt and disappointment.  but i still hold onto it. 

i don't talk about my dreams, what i want to do, how i feel... because i am so afraid of appearing a fool.  i am not one of these people who needs the approval of others, i pride myself on that.  i am who i am.  i like who i am.  i don't need anyone else to like it.  i am a strong and confident woman.  but i don't want to be a fool.  and i don't want to be a failure.  if i told my dreams, and they never came true... i would be a failure, a fool.  and i can not stand the idea of being a failure.  i can not stand the idea of looking like a fool.

this thinking is so backwards.  it is wrong.  just because i don't share the dreams doesn't mean they aren't there... so in fact, i still feel like a failure, like a fool... only no one else has to know. the fact that i am not sharing the dream, doesn't negate the existence of the dreams.  as a dreamer, not talking about it is denying myself of who i am.  i dream lofty dreams, i dream many dreams.  dreaming is a part of who i am, it is a part of my core.  it is who God created me to be.  and denying myself of that is destroying a little piece of myself.

it is okay to dream.  it is okay to believe.  it is okay to feel.  and i am trying to do that.  i am trying to remember my dreams, i am trying to remember the person i want to be, the person i was meant to be.  i am trying to feel again.  feel everything, even the pain and fear and doubt.  and it is not easy. 

but i need to.  i need to remember who i am.  i need to dream of who i want to be.  because in pushing it all down, i am losing myself.  i want to find myself again.  i want to dream.


i like to save good fortunes form fortune cookies.  i have three sitting next to me on my desk right now. 

"Don't wait for others to open the right doors for you."

"No need to worry! You will always have everything that you need."

"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become."

i am reading these everyday.  and maybe someday soon, i will share my dreams with you all.  i am trying to dream again.  because as i dream, i just may become.