next step...

when i was a little girl i loved playing with dolls. i played with dolls morning, noon, and night.

i had lots and lots of dolls, and doll clothes, and doll bottles, and a great handmade doll crib. i had doll diapers, and doll food, and doll socks and shoes. i had doll carriers, and doll blankets, and doll diaper bags. i never had a doll stroller, i would have died for a doll stroller. i gave my dolls baths, and fed them, and changed them, and loved them. my dolls went with me everywhere. honestly, i played with dolls beyond the age most girls play with dolls. honestly, i still have a love for dolls. i saw a baby alive on the clearance rack the other day for only $18.79, i almost bought it. i had it in my hand, i had it all the way to the checkout aisle. then i thought about explaining my purchase to matthew, and i left it on the front aisle in between $5 movies and $5 wine bottles.

when we played house, i always played mom. who would ever want to play the child? been there, done that. it's called real life... i wanted to be the mom.

if you asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, my answer would be "a mom". my dreams flitted around amongst doctor dreams, and teacher dreams, and writer dreams, i wanted to be everything. no matter what my dream job was, i always knew i would do it with a baby on my hip, and another on a leash keeping them away from the crazies.


as life moved on, i grew older, and i thought there was a possibility that i may be meant to be single. not a wife, not a mother. i thought God might have something else in store for me. but then i met matthew. and i quickly gave him my heart completely (well... not so quickly really, i knew him for 2 years before we had our first date... but i think somewhere in my heart i always knew he was it) i gave him my heart, and i loved him so much, and my dream of being a mom was closer. one dream down, i was a wife. another dream yet to come.

we decided we would wait, we wanted to be selfish, and just spend time together. and as we waited, we wondered if i could even have children. again, we thought my dream of being a mom, and his dream of being a dad, and our dream of having a family would be out of reach. between doctors visits and ultrasounds and blood tests and inconclusive results, we came to a peace knowing it may be out of our hands. that maybe, just maybe, it would just be the two of us forever. we decided if we couldn't have kids, we would travel every year instead. we decided we could have exchange students, and be the best aunt and uncle ever. and we took advantage of the thought we couldn't have children.

and a year later, when i peed on one of the hundreds of sticks of the last year... i was shocked when i saw 2 lines staring back at me. i swore. i cried. i hit it in the back of the drawer. i thought this was not an option for us, i thought we were going to be childless. how are we going to have a baby now? what are we thinking? what did we do? and i walked out of the bathroom and downstairs and kept my mouth shut tight, while matthew wondered what was wrong.

and the next day i peed on a stick again... and saw the same two lines. i couldn't keep it inside now. i walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where matthew was making his eggs and english muffin. "matthew... i think i'm pregnant." silence. he just looked at me. he hugged me and told me he loved me, somber faced and monotoned, and i cried. and that was it. i was pregnant.


that was several weeks ago, and today... i have grown past the shock. (matthew is still working on it... but he doesnt have a baby growing inside of him) we are still scared. we are still unsure. we still wonder how we will do it. we wonder how we will afford it, we wonder what kind of parents we will be. we are scared about the baby, we are scared about us, we are nervous about the future. we wonder if we are ready to make the sacrifices, if we are ready for the pain and hardwork.

we are excited, and wondering what the baby will look like, or if it is a boy or a girl. we wonder if he or she will have red hair. we are curious to see how people react when they find out. we are anxious, and confused, and scared, and happy, and trying to find the peace that passes all understanding. we are sure it is is in God's hands, that we are in God's hands, that little baby B is in God's hands. we are sure He knows better than us, and are sure it will be the greatest experience of our lives.

our dreams are coming true, and we are entering the next step of our lives. the unknown, but the sought after, and we couldn't be happier. and on september 3rd, our dream will become a reality, as a tiny baby boucher is placed into our arms... and we relish in the joy of becoming mommy and daddy for the first time.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
Elizabeth Stone

"The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new."
Rajneesh


"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
Phyllis Diller