confidence in retrospect...
you've seen the girl. i know you've seen the girl walking down the street who doesn't care who is staring at her, or what they are thinking. the girl who wears her form fitting clothes to perfection, no matter the few extra pounds around her waist, or the bulges in her middle. her hair and make up is flawless, accessorized to the max. she is fabulous, and wonderful, and beautiful. she holds her head up high, and smiles and laughs and plays with the people around her. she doesn't care. she doesn't care what the world thinks, she thinks she is beautiful. and because of that, she is. confidence has a way of making even the chubby awkward girl beautiful.
in my previous fat days, before my thinner days, before my now fat days. i was that girl. i felt beautiful, and fun, and happy, and pretty, and maybe even a little... (gasp) sexy, on occasion.
and i loved fashion, and style, and shopping, and make up, and doing my hair. i loved getting dressed up and looking fancy and hott. i liked what i saw when i looked in the mirror, and i carried confidence with me wherever i went.
and the better i felt about myself, the better i looked. and when i felt really good about myself, i chose carrots instead of fries, and a ran an extra mile on the treadmill. and then i felt even better and i would bleach my teeth, and pumice my feet, and moisturize 3 times a day. and i felt ever better about myself. and then pounds started falling off. and i wasn't trying. and then i felt even better, and i would buy cute, form fitting clothes (on the clearance rack of course), and i held my head up high. and i loved myself, and i thought other people loved me, and if they didn't... well that was their loss. and the better i felt the more i would lose, and the more i would lose, the better i would feel...
when i went to europe, i discovered more of myself than i ever imagined i would... and i bettered myself, my faith, my attitude, my heart, myself completely. with every step i felt better, and with every better feeling, a dropped more pounds... and it was easy to love myself.
upon coming back from europe, i suffered from an extreme case of reverse culture shock. i felt wonderful. indescribable. i was a new person inside and out, and i loved myself more than ever... but throwing myself back into normal life was hard. i didn't move from my parents couch for over a month. the outside world was scary. but i survived, and i kept the pounds off, and i kept feeling as fabulous as ever. and i slowly ventured into the real world...
as i ventured into the real world, a weird thing happened. i had to live a normal life again... and i started to lose the me i found in europe to paying bills, and working, and school, and drama, and life. and every day real life was more and more real... until my life was all normal real life, and no europe life. and every day it was hard to come face to face with that. and every day i felt myself drifting into a different person.
and i started to lose my confidence. life got in the way. and as i lost my confidence, the pounds crept back on. and then a little more confidence would shrug off my body, and a few more pounds would creep back on. and i started pulling at my clothes a little more, and who cared if my make up looked flawless. and why would anyone want to see me in that low cut shirt. and then i felt worse. and then i felt ugly, and fat, and horrible, and the worse i felt, the more french fries i would eat, and the more pounds would pack on, and the more i would hide behind sweat pants and baggy sweatshirts. and why would i want to bother with my hair, what does good hair matter on a fat girl, who cares if my smile looks great. and then a few more pounds would creep back on, and i would feel worse. until, i hardly recognized my body in the mirror, and that dull face and old eyes looking back at me, couldn't possibly belong to me.
and i don't know what happend first... the loss of confidence, or the gain of pounds. because it is all one big ugly circular chain reaction. the worse i feel, the worse i treat myself, the worse i look. the worse i look, the worse i treat myself, the worse i feel... ya know?
i almost forgot that the big ugly chain reaction works the same in reverse. the better i feel, the better i treat myself, the better i look. the better i look, the better i treat myself, the better i feel.
so today, i am making a decision. and if i can't start with the feeling good, than i will start with the treating myself good... i will make an effort. i will bleach my teeth, and i will put every speck of make up, and i will buy myself clothes again, no more sweats. and i will love what i see. i will pumice my feet, and i will moisturize all i can, and i will treat my skin with love and care, and the better i treat myself, the better i will feel... and the better i will feel the better i will treat myself... and i will find that confidence again. and i will tell myself i am beautiful, and i will tell myself i am worth it. because i am. and i will find myself again.
nothing is more beautiful than a woman who is confident, who belives in herself, who loves herself. and i want to be that person again.
and soon... i will be that girl again. soon, i will be me again.